Let’s say I get invited to the royal wedding. A bespectacled finch flies into my window, rests on my headboard, and unfurls a scroll from its mouth. I’m shocked, mainly, that it knew where to find me. But here it sits, staring me down, wearing glasses and a bowtie and impatiently imploring me to remove the curled piece of parchment from its mouth. Are trumpets blaring? No, that’s just my imagination.
I’m invited, it seems, to the wedding of the year (decade? century?), the royal nuptials of Prince Harry and Her soon-to-be Royal Highness, Meghan Markle. Who has requested my very nonroyal presence at the most royal of all occasions? Dunno. I grab my phone and google what the heck I’m supposed to wear.
In the days leading up to what is sure to be the fanciest, most extravagant event of my life (aside from that one incredible bar mitzvah where the people were walking around on stilts), I start to daydream about the food—duh. Amid the throngs of royals, celebrities, diplomats, disgraced cousins, and oh so posh children, you’ll find me beelining for the cake, which is confirmed to be flavored of lemon and elderflower. How quaint and romantic. Other than that, however, little is known about the menu. There are reports from previous royal weddings that I turn to in anticipation, attempting to satiate what bits of my curiosity I can.
Guests at King George VI’s 1923 wedding to Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon dined on dishes named after the royal family. Cute. I can see it now: a Queen Elizabeth endive, Prince Harry herring, Meghan Markle meringue.
Queen Elizabeth II wed Prince Philip in 1947 and topped off her noble nuptials with a dessert that bore her very own name, a bombe glacée Princesse Elizabeth. The ice cream she served her guests was stuffed with strawberries.
In 1973, Princess Anne tied the knot with Captain Phillips, which is cool and all, but what could be more marvelous than the fact that her wedding buffet was anchored by a cake that was 5'6" tall, her exact height?
Just a little over a decade later, everyone’s favorite royal couple, Prince Charles and Princess Diana, sealed the deal with a deliciously decadent meal of “Princess of Wales chicken,” which is chicken stuffed with lamb mousse—sounds really good, but maybe a bit much? Also, they served 27 different cakes because royals.
This is all great, but I’m still hungry to know: What will Meghan and Harry serve come May 19?
Food & Wine reports that, according to Darren McGrady, who’s served as a chef to the royal family, “We can expect the wedding food to be a mix of Prince Harry and Markle’s favorite foods—which could make for an interesting menu indeed, as Prince Harry prefers what McGrady calls ‘comfort foods,’ while Markle, understandably, loves healthful dishes.”
Uhhh, okay. So does that mean, like, pizza with avocado on top? Macaroni and cheese and overnight oats? Chia-seed potpie? Where exactly do comfort and health foods intersect?
Contemplating my very real, not fabricated, completely plausible attendance at the impending royal wedding, I’ve taken to concocting my own royal menu. Here are some things I imagine I’ll eat:
- Chocolate fountains but with flowing aged English cheddar instead
- Gold-lacquered ostrich eggs that crack to reveal normal eggs that crack to reveal quail eggs that are soft-boiled and perfect
- Bells and whistles, but, like, the edible kinds
- A life-size sculpture of the royal couple made out of uncooked rigatoni that gets doused in boiling water and falls into a giant dish where it’s then sauced and served
- 300 avocados flown in from Meghan’s home state of California, spread on 600 pieces of toast (a half per slice), then cut into quarters and served with shots of matcha
- A selection of the Queen’s favorite teas arranged on little planks, like those flights of beer you sometimes get at places that love to use the words craft and bespoke
- I read on one blog that Meghan likes sushi, so maybe there'll be a few rolls at the wedding
- Fish and chips (are those royalty-worthy?)
- Oh, what if it’s a potluck?
They’re royals, so they’ve got a bunch of tricks up their sleeves. Speculate as I might, I’m nowhere closer to knowing what I’ll be noshing as I schmooze with the royal crème de la crème. In the meantime, I’ve got to go get my coat and tails steamed.
What would you want to see on a royal menu? Share your thoughts in the comments below.