Ice Cream/Frozen Desserts

How to Judge a Person by Their Ice Cream Choice

May  6, 2015

There are those things we eat, make, read, and gush over that are just too good to keep to ourselves. Here, we resist the urge to use too many exclamation points and let you in on our latest crushes.

Today: You hear the ice cream truck rounding the corner and it's time to make a choice: Here's what your decision says about you.

Shop the Story

You are at a pool in the middle of August. You've just played a fierce game of Sharks and Minnows and applied another layer of sunscreen. You're trying to make yourself comfortable on a plastic weave chaise lounge (an impossible task) and position your magazine to block the sun. Then you hear it: the ice cream truck. 

You scurry out of the pool gates and line up with the other kids. But when the moment of truth comes, you're overwhelmed. You choose quickly, instinctually. Here's what that choice says about you—from your mom's perspective and from your haters' perspective (don't read on if you're not ready to get real). 

1. Strawberry Shortcake
What your mom would say: You’re so sweet it’s painful. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and sometimes that means you're susceptible to ridicule from others. But keep waving your strawberry flag proudly—those who can appreciate you (most of the Food52 editors, for example) are vocal and powerful. 

What your haters would say: No one ever accused you of not being forthright with your intent: You don’t pretend to be natural—we all know your sweetness is a ploy to get what you want (the attention of your peers; a new job title; maybe just a compliment), but even that doesn’t stop us from falling head over heels. You have a magnetic, intoxicating pull. 

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: butter-flavored popcorn, Smuckers grape jelly, boxed macaroni and cheese.

2. Chocolate Éclair
What your mom would say: So you don’t really know what an éclair is. So you’ve never tasted real chocolate before. But you're determined. Nothing will stop you from proclaiming yourself the king of French pastry and faking it till you make it.

What your haters would say: You're trying hard to be something that you're not, but you're not trying hard enough. We are fans of your crunchy coating, but once we get beyond that nut-covered chocolate and into the substance, we are disappointed. We recommend investing a little less energy in your surface level appearance and taking time to develop your inner self.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: croissants that come in plastic bags, frozen pizza, white chocolate.

3. King Cone
What your mom would say: You were born to lead. You're not afraid to show the little guys who's in charge. And if your friends call you bossy, it's just because they're jealous (and scared). 

What your haters would say: You put on a good show, but we have a suspicion that deep down, you're insecure. You feel the need to prove yourself with a loud speaking voice, an iron grip handshake, and a whole lot of showy possessions. But we have a hunch that your insistence on being the loudest and the best is covering up a not-so-interesting personality.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: driving without a muffler, unnecessary competitions (like seeing how long you can hold your breath), your personal brand.

4. Magnum Mini Double Chocolate
What your mom would say: You know how to take risks, but in moderation. Sure, you have fun and walk on the wild side—you've jumped off the high board and practiced the five-second rule—but you're smart about it: No bungee jumping or puffer fish eating. You go for the good stuff (in this case, the rich, chocolatey, creamy stuff), but you don't go wild. 

What your haters would say: You're either afraid of life or you're afraid of commitment. Either way, we fear that you're going to end up disappointed. You'll always be wanting something more or something different. You might choose a career path in consulting, but we hope that, if you want to be a pastry chef or acrobat instead, you will overcome your timidity or confusion and follow your dreams.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: the phrase "treat yoself," 100-Calorie Snack Packs, Ugg boots.

5. Magnum Double Peanut Butter
What your mom would say: You're a passionate person and you love to share your zeal with the world. Your enthusiasm is contagious and though it might be a little tiring at times, it comes from a generous place.

What your haters would say: It's great that you have passions, but we sometimes worry that you have an obsession problem. We know you love horses and T. Pain and, as is evident here, peanut butter, but every once in a while, branch out and try new things. Move beyond your fixations, ask others about what they like, and you'll find that there is more to the world than you thought.  

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: The Grateful Dead, Flavor-Blasted Goldfish, chocolate-chocolate cake.

6. Magnum Double Caramel
What your mom would say: You crave an old-fashioned way of life. You have memories of Grandma's holiday candies and family vacations in the station wagon and you're eager to continue those traditions. You like to craft. 

What your haters would say: Your devotion to the classics makes you boring. You're neither reactionary nor radical, neither fanatical nor iconoclastic, and that comes across as people-pleasing and watered-down (maybe that's why you like this mild, muted caramel flavor). Take a stand (and buy a political bumper sticker or two). 

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: Pinterest, Taylor Swift, vanilla cake. 

7. Klondike Cookie Dough Swirl
What your mom would say: You're very diplomatic. You can see both sides of an argument, and that's why your friends always call on you for advice. You'd make a great politician (or double-agent).

What your haters would say: You're a classic flip-flopper. You can't decide between options (cookie dough or ice cream; chocolate or vanilla), yet when you try to do everything at once, you end up overwhelmed and underwhelming. You shouldn't split your energy: Make a choice and stick with it and you'll succeed. You've got potential.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: black and white cookies, transition lenses, zip-off pants.

8. Klondike Caramel Pretzel
What your mom would say: You're so ahead of the times. You keep up with the latest trends (you're always on the Twitter and you have about a million Facebook friends) and you always know where to brunch.

What your haters would say: You're just far enough behind what's hot that it's embarrassing. But don't worry: You'll make a great parent

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: bone broth, avocado toast, Lady Gaga.

9. Girl Scouts Thin Mints Frozen Treats
What your mom would say: You'll always be a kid at heart. You're goofy and giddy and you make the best babysitter. 

What your haters would say: It's time to grow up. Thin Mint cookies crushed into chocolate ice cream are good, yes, but explore some more sophisticated desserts, because youth is not eternal. Remember that there is value in maturity. Subscribe to The New York Times, get some dark nail polish, and you'll be well on your way.

What we say: Eat ice cream! 

Other things your probably like: pig tails, Fruit by the Foot, Kidz Bop.

Note: We made a small change in this post to better embody its spirit.

What's your favorite ice cream truck treat? Share with us in the comments below!

Photos by James Ransom

50 Comments

Nigar S. May 28, 2017
Ingenious parallels!! My favorites are earl grey and stumptown coffee flavors by Molly Moon in Seattle!
 
Annabelle May 13, 2016
I found it hilarious, but perhaps that's because my favorite (toasted almond) was missed. <br /><br />For those asking -- yes there are still Good Humor trucks. One rolls by our apartment building in Brooklyn with song blaring every evening.
 
Tim May 10, 2016
No hater can taint the memory of a GH chocolate eclair or a toasted almond on a hot summer day. Haven't had one of those in decades. I'll never have one again - don't want to ruin that memory. BTW my mom ate them too. (Dad was a Fudgsicle guy.)
 
Donna G. May 17, 2015
My favorite is the banana bomb pop.
 
Haris O. December 29, 2015
The same!
 
Anne L. May 17, 2015
Great writing. Loved it.
 
Sarah D. May 12, 2015
I like Nestlé Drumsticks and those ice bars that used to be shaped like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also moon mist ice-cream.
 
Meredith May 10, 2015
King+cone...+the+mom+statement+is+spot+on+but+damn+my+haters+are+a+tad+harsh...but+yep+I+am+loud
 
Miachel B. May 8, 2015
Spot on! ;)
 
Talis L. May 7, 2015
Sponsored by Unilever Ice Cream.
 
MapToMyStomach May 7, 2015
Aw I thought this was cute! A goofy jab at processed ice cream and ourselves? No one's perfect, right? If you have to make it up to the unhappy readers, I vote for recipies of these treats to make at home! :)
 
Author Comment
Sarah J. May 7, 2015
I can try that! At least for some! Maybe homemade Chipwiches. We've got homemade fudgesicles from Alice Medrich on the site. That's a good place to start.
 
aargersi May 8, 2015
Klondike Caramel Preztle recipe please!!! Although that could be dangerous to own, the Kind Midas Touch of ice creeam making.
 
dymnyno May 7, 2015
Many/most cities don't allow the ice cream trucks with the tinkling call to children anymore because too many helicopter parents thought it was to dangerous to have their children running after the trucks with money in hand and speeding traffic dangers.
 
RichardJ May 7, 2015
I like the King Cone, so I'm probably deeply insecure, but this seems catty.
 
RichardJ May 7, 2015
I+like+the+King+Cone+-+so+I'm+probably+deeply+insecure+-+but+this+seems+to+be+really+catty.+
 
Susannah A. May 7, 2015
I thought this was hilarious!!! Fun reading for a rainy day (except now I'm really wanting ice cream!)
 
kevverh May 7, 2015
Well, I thought it was amusing! And now I want my favorite Strawberry Shortcake bar.
 
MsPinkCupcake May 7, 2015
Choco Taco!!!!
 
Carole J. May 7, 2015
Where's the full sized Magnum Double Chocolate?? Mini...pshaw!
 
AntoniaJames May 7, 2015
I'm thankful for the revisions the editors made to the piece overnight but still, articles featuring "haters" so prominently simply cannot by their nature, to my mind, be funny. Increasingly, the content on this site fails to speak to me. This piece makes me (i) wonder what happened to the Food52 I used to know, and (ii) want to go somewhere else. ;o)
 
Simon S. May 7, 2015
Lighten up. It's all in good fun, and it's still about food. Sort of.<br />PS: I'm from an era when social media didn't tell us it's "not okay" to call a hater a hater. Really. It's okay. They'll live. And in my day, they also learned.
 
Jenny M. May 7, 2015
I am living in Denmark, and do not know any of the ice creams, but would go for the magnum peanutbutter - and you know what a lot of the "What we would say" is stuff my friends says to me Lol.
 
josie May 7, 2015
I think this is funny, but not as funny as the one about what your favorite Easter candy says about you. That one was my favorite. <br />