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How to Judge a Person by Their Ice Cream Choice

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There are those things we eat, make, read, and gush over that are just too good to keep to ourselves. Here, we resist the urge to use too many exclamation points and let you in on our latest crushes.

Today: You hear the ice cream truck rounding the corner and it's time to make a choice: Here's what your decision says about you.

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You are at a pool in the middle of August. You've just played a fierce game of Sharks and Minnows and applied another layer of sunscreen. You're trying to make yourself comfortable on a plastic weave chaise lounge (an impossible task) and position your magazine to block the sun. Then you hear it: the ice cream truck. 

You scurry out of the pool gates and line up with the other kids. But when the moment of truth comes, you're overwhelmed. You choose quickly, instinctually. Here's what that choice says about you—from your mom's perspective and from your haters' perspective (don't read on if you're not ready to get real). 

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1. Strawberry Shortcake
What your mom would say: You’re so sweet it’s painful. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and sometimes that means you're susceptible to ridicule from others. But keep waving your strawberry flag proudly—those who can appreciate you (most of the Food52 editors, for example) are vocal and powerful. 

What your haters would say: No one ever accused you of not being forthright with your intent: You don’t pretend to be natural—we all know your sweetness is a ploy to get what you want (the attention of your peers; a new job title; maybe just a compliment), but even that doesn’t stop us from falling head over heels. You have a magnetic, intoxicating pull. 

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: butter-flavored popcorn, Smuckers grape jelly, boxed macaroni and cheese.

2. Chocolate Éclair
What your mom would say: So you don’t really know what an éclair is. So you’ve never tasted real chocolate before. But you're determined. Nothing will stop you from proclaiming yourself the king of French pastry and faking it till you make it.

What your haters would say: You're trying hard to be something that you're not, but you're not trying hard enough. We are fans of your crunchy coating, but once we get beyond that nut-covered chocolate and into the substance, we are disappointed. We recommend investing a little less energy in your surface level appearance and taking time to develop your inner self.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: croissants that come in plastic bags, frozen pizza, white chocolate.

3. King Cone
What your mom would say: You were born to lead. You're not afraid to show the little guys who's in charge. And if your friends call you bossy, it's just because they're jealous (and scared). 

What your haters would say: You put on a good show, but we have a suspicion that deep down, you're insecure. You feel the need to prove yourself with a loud speaking voice, an iron grip handshake, and a whole lot of showy possessions. But we have a hunch that your insistence on being the loudest and the best is covering up a not-so-interesting personality.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: driving without a muffler, unnecessary competitions (like seeing how long you can hold your breath), your personal brand.

4. Magnum Mini Double Chocolate
What your mom would say: You know how to take risks, but in moderation. Sure, you have fun and walk on the wild side—you've jumped off the high board and practiced the five-second rule—but you're smart about it: No bungee jumping or puffer fish eating. You go for the good stuff (in this case, the rich, chocolatey, creamy stuff), but you don't go wild. 

What your haters would say: You're either afraid of life or you're afraid of commitment. Either way, we fear that you're going to end up disappointed. You'll always be wanting something more or something different. You might choose a career path in consulting, but we hope that, if you want to be a pastry chef or acrobat instead, you will overcome your timidity or confusion and follow your dreams.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: the phrase "treat yoself," 100-Calorie Snack Packs, Ugg boots.

5. Magnum Double Peanut Butter
What your mom would say: You're a passionate person and you love to share your zeal with the world. Your enthusiasm is contagious and though it might be a little tiring at times, it comes from a generous place.

What your haters would say: It's great that you have passions, but we sometimes worry that you have an obsession problem. We know you love horses and T. Pain and, as is evident here, peanut butter, but every once in a while, branch out and try new things. Move beyond your fixations, ask others about what they like, and you'll find that there is more to the world than you thought.  

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: The Grateful Dead, Flavor-Blasted Goldfish, chocolate-chocolate cake.

6. Magnum Double Caramel
What your mom would say: You crave an old-fashioned way of life. You have memories of Grandma's holiday candies and family vacations in the station wagon and you're eager to continue those traditions. You like to craft. 

What your haters would say: Your devotion to the classics makes you boring. You're neither reactionary nor radical, neither fanatical nor iconoclastic, and that comes across as people-pleasing and watered-down (maybe that's why you like this mild, muted caramel flavor). Take a stand (and buy a political bumper sticker or two). 

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: Pinterest, Taylor Swift, vanilla cake. 

7. Klondike Cookie Dough Swirl
What your mom would say: You're very diplomatic. You can see both sides of an argument, and that's why your friends always call on you for advice. You'd make a great politician (or double-agent).

What your haters would say: You're a classic flip-flopper. You can't decide between options (cookie dough or ice cream; chocolate or vanilla), yet when you try to do everything at once, you end up overwhelmed and underwhelming. You shouldn't split your energy: Make a choice and stick with it and you'll succeed. You've got potential.

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: black and white cookies, transition lenses, zip-off pants.

8. Klondike Caramel Pretzel
What your mom would say: You're so ahead of the times. You keep up with the latest trends (you're always on the Twitter and you have about a million Facebook friends) and you always know where to brunch.

What your haters would say: You're just far enough behind what's hot that it's embarrassing. But don't worry: You'll make a great parent

What we say: Eat ice cream!

Other things you probably like: bone broth, avocado toast, Lady Gaga.

9. Girl Scouts Thin Mints Frozen Treats
What your mom would say: You'll always be a kid at heart. You're goofy and giddy and you make the best babysitter. 

What your haters would say: It's time to grow up. Thin Mint cookies crushed into chocolate ice cream are good, yes, but explore some more sophisticated desserts, because youth is not eternal. Remember that there is value in maturity. Subscribe to The New York Times, get some dark nail polish, and you'll be well on your way.

What we say: Eat ice cream! 

Other things your probably like: pig tails, Fruit by the Foot, Kidz Bop.

Note: We made a small change in this post to better embody its spirit.

What's your favorite ice cream truck treat? Share with us in the comments below!

Photos by James Ransom