Cocktail

If Media Brands Were Cocktails, What Would They Be?

by:
August 14, 2015

Some people have spirit animals. We think media companies should have spirit cocktails. Here's what they would be:

  • Thrillist: literally the best margarita in the city, slammed back with a tower of America's craziest bacon-wrapped, beer-battered burgers
  • Buzzfeed: 27 Versions of the Black and Blue Every Lazy Bartender Needs to Know (a variation on a Black and Tan; half of our staff refers to this as the White and Gold) 
  • Bon Appétit: ANYTHING with Campari in the winter; a Budweiser tallboy on ice in the summer, bro
  • Epicurious: whatever Bon Appétit drinks
  • Yahoo Food: whatever Epicurious drinks
  • Eater: whatever the Torrisi boys drink 
  • The Kitchn: a glass of Sauvignon Blanc with a one-ingredient ice cube
  • Business Insider: an Elijah Craig Manhattan, hold the cherries. (Cherries are reserved for the media companies who wrote the original story.)
  • Wall St. Journal: bone dry gin martini, single olive
  • Kinfolk: whiskey from a porcelain flask next to a yew tree campfire, or whatever they're drinking in Scandinavia right now 
  • New York Times: consistently reliable scotch our father introduced to us years ago, poured at the same time each day
  • Saveur: we have no idea; check back in the next redesign
  • Martha Stewart Living: peony liqueur Pimm's cup, served in jail
  • Readers' Digest: we don't need a drink; laughter is the best medicine
  • Lucky Peach: the Phil Khallins from Mission Chinese, Bowie on vinyl playing in the background (we'd tell you the album but you've probably never heard of it)
  • Serious Eats: more like signature slice, are we right?
  • Cherry Bombe: Champagne, chaser of second glass of Champagne
  • Grub Street: whatever the latest bar is serving, sipped from some sort of edible vessel by Dominique Ansel
  • Vice: rebel moonshine in a hideout with ISIS 
  • Tasting Table: a gin and tonic made with a centrifuge by Dave Arnold in our test kitchen 
  • Food & Wine: anything with muddled fruit handed to us before we get in a gondola in Aspen
  • FWx: shots in the gondola on the way back down the mountain
  • Goop: green juice spiked with a splash of vodka + 6 1/2 almonds 
  • New Yorker: last year, at this time, we were gifted a pricey bottle, which we will now pull from the cabinet and drink, neat
  • Pure Wow: Flirtinis!
  • The Awl: that bottle someone left in our fridge from that party one time 
  • Food52: Amanda's mother's recipe for an Americano served in a copper cup priced at $100 

18 Comments

Alexis M. March 6, 2016
Made me realize I should be reading Cherry Bombe...
 
Chef L. August 16, 2015
Harper's Magazine is one of the oldest still being published; Old Fashion comes to mind.
 
ChefJune August 15, 2015
I'm a Martini girl, but so NOT WSJ....<br />No one got Bellini!
 
Annada R. August 14, 2015
Goop's 6 1/2 almonds - Priceless
 
Melina H. August 17, 2015
yes. that made me laugh out loud.
 
AntoniaJames August 14, 2015
I see the New York Times as stated, but bourbon, not scotch, neat, in a heavy old fashioned glass, served every day at the same time. Sherry (Amontillado) for the ladies, please. ;o)
 
Caitlin G. August 14, 2015
this is sooo spot on. insert hand clapping emojis.
 
aargersi August 14, 2015
:-) you sillies. Was this list crafted at happy hour? The GOOP one slays me ... 6.5 almonds, dipped in miso
 
Meleyna N. August 14, 2015
I was giggling all the way through this, and then lost it at your own description. Way to embrace your image, you guys.
 
Olallieberry August 14, 2015
This is almost enough to make me forgive you for the GMO-labeling petition. Almost.
 
Kurt M. August 14, 2015
Wish you hadn't left out Edible!
 
BrooklynBridget August 14, 2015
Hmmmm. Edible....Earnest, underdog, on trend....Perhaps a very very small craft beer maker, as in, someone's brother's craft beer.
 
Kurt M. August 14, 2015
I was thinking micro-distilled craft rye - all local grains, of course! - served neat with some kind of colorful garnish.<br />
 
Kenzi W. August 14, 2015
Niiiice.
 
BrooklynBridget August 14, 2015
Seems about right Kurt..I don't know what the garnish is but it's pickled
 
Kathy S. August 14, 2015
That's great. Almost perfect. I think WSJ and NYT could be switched. Martinis seem more authentic New York to me, gritty. That scotch served at the same time is probably poured by a butler, screams money.
 
Moshee August 14, 2015
Hilarious Food52. I'm somewhere between Lucky Peach & the Kitchn.
 
fiveandspice August 14, 2015
Heehee