Table for One is a column by Senior Editor Eric Kim, who loves cooking (and baking) for himself—and only himself—and seeks to celebrate the beauty of solitude in its many forms.
When I was 13 years old, I had a food blog called Eric Cooks. Once a week I’d write about a new baking discovery I had made, mostly cookies and cakes and muffins inspired by Gale Gand’s Food Network show, Sweet Dreams, which I watched religiously after school every day.
With the show, and with the nudging of my cousin Becky who introduced me to box cake mix, I became enwrapped in the satisfying, comforting world of baking. I even had my own “Book of Shadows” filled with each recipe that came out successfully. Baking soon became my own version of magic, a reassuring sorcery I could rely on as I found my footing in the kitchen for the first time.
It was also an art, each perfect layer cake a performance with which I could impress friends and classmates and family members. Everyone at school knew me for my baked goods. My parents asked me to bake whenever we had people over. After 9/11, I raised hundreds of dollars for the Red Cross selling my cookies on the side of the road. I found a calling in baking, and with it a burgeoning sense of identity, empowerment, and purpose.
Until one day, another cousin made fun of me for it.
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“You’re baking now?” he commented on one of my blog posts. “Are you gay or something?”
I hadn’t even thought that my love of baking could have anything to do with my sexuality—and at 13, I wasn’t yet sure that I was gay. I felt betrayed by this new hobby that had given me so much joy up to that point. Suddenly, it became a cause of great stress: Was baking going to be the thing that outed me to the world? There’s nothing worse than being outed before you can out yourself, let alone before you even know yourself.
I don’t speak to that cousin anymore. But in recent years, as I’ve started to open up about my sexuality, on the page and in my personal life, I often find myself thinking back to that interaction and how it must’ve been a turning point for me.
Maybe that cousin had a point: Even after RuPaul took over reality television, after gay marriage was legalized in the States, after openly gay political candidate Pete Buttigieg came into the public consciousness—baking somehow has always been gendered and fueled by sexual politics.
“The stereotype of baking being ‘gay’ has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with deeply rooted misogyny,” Buzzfeed food writer Jesse Szewczyk told me in an email. “Baking has been portrayed as a traditionally feminine activity, so naturally it has evolved into being labeled ‘gay’—as the two often overlap. Homophobia is born out of misogyny, and we cannot tackle one issue without addressing the other. Men who genuinely think baking is ‘gay’ have been programmed to think that women belong in the kitchen, and that they bake to bring pleasure to men, not to themselves.”
I asked pastry chef Zac Young if he’s ever brushed up against people who hold these stereotypes, and his views on whether or not baking can ever be “gay.”
“If a sensitive, delicate, studied blend of art and science is gay, then YES,” he said. “There is a patience, a precision, an aesthetic, an intuitive intelligence in working in a field based on creativity within the confines of science that could be perceived as ‘soft,’ ‘feminine,’ ‘dainty.’ But calling pastry ‘gay’ would be akin to categorizing meat cookery as some super masculine, butch, barbaric, ‘me man, this fire, I cook buffalo” task that could only be executed by a brute neanderthal.”
One way to diffuse these nonsensical stereotypes is to lean into them, reclaim them. In the way that Nigella Lawson has declared home cooking a feminist act, there may be an opportunity here, too, to call baking a queer act.
As food writer John Birdsall wrote to me, “For the generation of LGBTQ Americans who made the great queer migration to coastal cities with welcoming communities, a family recipe for a layer cake, a torte, or a pie was one of the things they brought with them, or re-created from memory, to communities in San Francisco or New York City to share with their new chosen families. This was a generation rejected, usually, by blood family, so these heirlooms were bittersweet links to hometowns they could often never return to.”
The notion of “chosen families” has for decades been rife with deeper resonsances in the queer community. What happens when you come out to your blood family only to be cast away? This is one of the main fears of coming out of the closet, and why so many people wait until they’re financially and emotionally independent before doing so. Because that risk of losing home is always there.
On the other hand, one way to preserve that sense of home is to bring it with you, wherever you end up—a recipe, a memory, a confrontation with homophobia in search of something better.
“I have always believed that baking breaks down barriers and brings people together to share their unique traits and flavors with others,” Brian Hart Hoffman, editor-in-chief of Bake From Scratch magazine, wrote to me. “A gay baker can certainly be gay, and bake, without the label ‘baking is gay.’ I'd like to think that baking is for everyone.”
Baking itself may not be gay, but it can certainly serve as a healing act in queer narratives. In many ways, my decision to lean into baking at 13, in spite of my cousin’s homophobic words, was the first step to leaning into my queerness and saying to the world, “Yes, I like to bake—so what?”
| 2 | cups all-purpose flour |
| 1/2 | teaspoon baking soda |
| 1 | stick unsalted butter, absolutely at room temperature |
| 1 | cup packed dark brown sugar |
| 1/2 | cup granulated sugar |
| 1 | tablespoon pure vanilla |
| 1 | egg, plus 1 egg yolk |
| 1/2 | teaspoon kosher salt |
| 1 1/2 | cups dark chocolate chips |
| 1/2 | cup rainbow candy-coated fennel seeds |
| Flaky sea salt, for topping |
| 2 | cups all-purpose flour |
| 1/2 | teaspoon baking soda |
| 1 | stick unsalted butter, absolutely at room temperature |
| 1 | cup packed dark brown sugar |
| 1/2 | cup granulated sugar |
| 1 | tablespoon pure vanilla |
| 1 | egg, plus 1 egg yolk |
| 1/2 | teaspoon kosher salt |
| 1 1/2 | cups dark chocolate chips |
| 1/2 | cup rainbow candy-coated fennel seeds |
| Flaky sea salt, for topping |
These cookies came about one night in my kitchenette when I was craving something sweet. I peered into my pantry and found dark chocolate chips and a bag of rainbow candy-coated fennel seeds that Jesse had given me early on in our friendship.
Before moving to New York City, I didn’t have a single gay friend. Now I have a posse. I call them my "Gaggle of Gays," all professional bakers, chefs and home cooks, and food writers. All confident in the aprons they put on every day at work.
I put on my own apron, tying it at the back like armor, and started on my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe (one I've adapted over the years from this boss blogger recipe a friend once sent me).
After creaming the butter and sugars, then whipping the eggs almost into a meringue (to aerate them), I added a fearless tablespoon of vanilla (which I'm convinced is what makes this dough taste amazing). Finally, I mixed in the flour and baking soda and folded in the chocolate chips and fennel seeds, which bejeweled my blonde canvas rainbow. On parchment-lined half sheet pans, I scooped out 12 cookies with an ice cream scoop and baked them for 15 minutes exactly at 350°F.
As they cooled, they slowly deflated, leaving behind the most gorgeous crinkles, which in turn signaled to me that they would be just crisp at the edges, but unutterably chewy in the centers.
And they were.
The slight bitter, aniseed flavor of the candy balanced the dark chocolate and salt in a way that only Book-of-Shadows baking magic can achieve. (To my knowledge, I don’t believe that these cookies themselves are gay.)
Written by: Eric Kim
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69 Comments
I put this essay in my Reading List when it came out, but only got around to reading it now.
Thanks for it. I really identified with it.
I started noticing your columns first because you're Asian and there aren't many Asian writers not focused on Asian cooking around. Then I noticed you were a baker too! Like you, I'm a gay Asian American baker and started baking at the age of 9, well before I realized I was gay, and have never stopped.
I also never made the connection between being gay and being a baker until my future sister-in-law made a very similar comment to your cousin. Though, today I have a warm relationship with her. My whole family slowly got over their homophobia and embrace my husband and me.
While I very much agree that the stereotype of baking being a feminine task and therefore a gay task if it's a man doing it is based on misogyny, I still wonder why I know so many other gay bakers besides myself. Most of us started baking well before we realize we are gay. For me, my love of baking lead to my profession in Chemistry, which is very similar to baking in may ways. I also know quite a few Chemist who love to bake, most of them straight.
Thanks for trying to connect these dots that are key parts of many of us. I really enjoyed your essay. Keep at it.
Brent
I Love your single person recipes, passion for food, you inspire me to try new techniques and ingredients like no other chef. I love your talent, Doesn't matter your age, nationality,sexual preference, zodiac sign, tax bracket or favorite color. Thank you, embrace your gift, and Please keep sharing it
I love bringing "gay cookies" to work when I'm feeling especially homosexual.
My first act after reading, was to ask google home: “hey google, are most pastry chefs male or female?
Google home: My apologies, I don’t understand
Me: Well, neither do I
I seem to be a bit confused. Why, to my knowledge, are “professional” chefs mostly male, when most “home cooks” are female? Are females good enough to cook for men at home, but, not capable enough to be “professional”?
Like your father, my father, only cooked when it involved grilling! All else, was left to my mother.
If a person enjoys doing a thing, let them do the thing; please leave gender out of the thought process! I promise, I won’t judge a man for changing a diaper, cooking dinner, or baking a birthday cake. These things are simply life tasks that need to be done. Hell, if the lawn needed mowing, and my father was busy working, my mom would happily take care of it (hair in curlers, tank-top, short shorts, and cowboy boots).
Luckily for me, my family has always been very accepting, coming out was accepted with hardly a “glitch in the matrix”. I do, however, have several of my mom’s recipes, and enjoy whipping them up when I’m in need; most are savory dishes. My two favorite sweet treats: her oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and her chocolate sheet pan flat cake (which was always cut into individual servings, wrapped up, and frozen. BTW, straight out of the freezer is my favorite way to enjoy that yummy treat).
Love who you love
Be a giver, not a taker
Spread love, not hate
Elevate your fellow people, love them, and leave the judgment to whatever magical sky wizard you believe rules the universe.
Peace out bi@#&es!
-Shane
P.S. I’m about six sheets to the wind, and apologize if this comment is complete nonsense ;)
After reading your article, I was compelled to take 2 actions: First, make your recipe of cookies (minus the fennel seeds), which is a no brainer, since I’m a baker. The second action required courage, a colossal amount of fearlessness, and commitment. As a source of encouragement & empowerment, I can’t help but echo the impacting words of James Baldwin, “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced”. Finally, at the age of 52 years, I’m Gay.
Since June is World Pride Month, among many other things, we are celebrating 50 years of freedom to be true selves unapologetically and openly. I have decided to embrace myself & be proud of all the life lessons & all of my life achievements. No more shame, only Pride.
Thank you for sharing your truth.
Firstly, thank you for all your recipes and articles. I have enjoyed them immensely and (after reading your recent New Orleans article) I hope your dear heart is healing.
Secondly, I am teaching my now 9 year old grandson to cook and bake and I am astounded by his skill and his memory. Often now, he will sleepover and when waking first, he will make breakfast up to the point of turning on the oven. He remembers the recipes and will make muffins, waffles, and most recently, Violet Bakery’s cinnamon buns. BTW, he prefers 3 cups of flour in that recipe. He loves to help in the kitchen and is very serious about learning and listening about why we cook and eat the way we do and why some people in our family
(us) like to cook and others just like to eat what we cook. We both agree that cooking and baking is our way of expressing our love and care of others,
I am so grateful and confident that his emotional intelligence will never allow someone else to shame him for doing something that he wants to do. We don’t use the word gay in our home because we don’t use the word straight. We may be a “traditional” family and our friends may have two moms or two dads but we have never labelled them. Unfortunately, we did have to explain homophobia and he could not believe that some people could be so ignorant.
I don’t think baking is gay, not that I care. Every person must eat to survive and feeding yourself is an important life skill. Why label those who can?
I am however concerned with the amount of artificial food colours in this recipe and the rainbow 🌈 recipes on this website. I will only use naturally derived food colours in my kitchen.
This piece hits close to home. Growing up, cooking was considered a masculine activity in my family, especially if it was "grand" - impressive gourmet dishes with fanciful plating, recipes that pushed the envelope, presentations that forcefully penetrated the diner in much the same way that a "macho man" was supposed to make love to the object of his desire. My dad was furious when he found out that I spent an afternoon baking with a school friend (he became enraged when he found out that we following the activity with making friendship bracelets, and was ashamed when he discovered that I became known for making friendship bracelets for my classmates - crafting was the most feminine thing you could do).
But what I found most interesting was the objection to taking on what he considered the feminine role of feeding people. It was masculine if you your cooking was a performance to bring glory to yourself and establish yourself as superior to others in your craft/hobby. However, to cook for people for the simple joy of feeding them was entirely feminine. Men do not feed people. We are not supposed to be concerned with that. So you can imagine my dad's objection when I said I was going to bring cookies to my classmates for my birthday. His first question was "How many other boys have done that in your class?" He was concerned that I would get a reputation for feeding people in a way that was unacceptable for men.
The Gov of my state shopped, cooked, and fed his family on a daily basis until he became Gov.
I guess both of these guys are capable of great dishes but that is not what they are about. They find joy in the feeding, and use it to nurture and express their love.
Re: friendship bracelets, I used to love these: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6f/10/02/6f100240c6a3aebadd66612d62cf5bc6.jpg
While I am a good cook and baker, frankly it is my very straight husband who rules the kitchen as an expression of love for us gals. I think it might also be a kind of creative outlet, for him to shop and make the meals. When I think back on it, his dad was like that too. Going home to his dad’s cooking for a weekend meant an automatic 5 lb gain, loving every bite! 😋 and it was his dad who cooked the holiday feasts for the family and assorted friends, and family of the heart. My own dad was a very good cook and bread baker. He was forever thinking about how to improve his bread making. I was allowed to stay up late on bread making nights to eat a slice of his bread, hot from the oven.
My straight guy cousin next door used to bake in the summers when we were kids. I was the assistant and taster. In grad school, I lucked into a housemate who was a baker. He used to take our pie orders every night at 10:30 pm, and bake 3 pies from scratch every night for our midnight snack, and we took his made from scratch cookies to school for lunch. He is also Hetero.
Where I live, our Asian and Polynesian guys cook for their families and communities. I love my late classmate’s two (straight) sons who bake Chinese treats with their grandmother. I had to laugh that in making 40 recipes of Nian Gau for CNY, the younger brother thought to get a handheld cement mixer to help, lol. But, it is not limited to ethnicity as both my husband and his dad are white.
In reflecting, one of my dad’s best friends from college is gay. I am not sure he even cooked, much less baked. I think of him as a career guy.
Thank goodness you had the courage and wisdom to follow your talents and interests, and not be dissuaded or derailed by the cruel comment of your benighted cousin. Big hugs to you ! 🤗
Cooking and baking are survival skills and can make a huge difference in physical and economic well-being. (Imho so is the ability to grow food. Currently having fun with French Dandelions, a 14” very dense half globe of tender mildly bitter greens that are cut and come again. And btw, fennel seems incredibly easy to grow. My neglected sprouted seedlings are doing well.)
For me, recipes and methodology are an endlessly fascinating hugely interesting subject. You are a source of Light in that world, so thank you for sharing and for being you !!!
However when my hubby and I were contemplating a kitchen set for my son's christmas gift, a senior relative complained and suggested a ball instead. Of course the kitchen set was a hit, as well as the firetruck.
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