How not to cook a Turkey.

I wrote this up awhile back as a joke for some people that wanted turkey recipes. I thought I share here.
I'll it in a bit on this thread after it becomes's longer than questions allow.

  • Posted by: Sam1148
  • November 1, 2011


SKK November 4, 2011
I just had a meeting cancel and have been putting my time to good use in this thread! Sam you are a genius. This is exactly the laugh I need to end this week!
SKK November 4, 2011
I love this letter from Marney - especially the line "Why do I even bother - she won't read this" And the line - "It is now time for you to contribute at the adult level."
lorigoldsby November 3, 2011
Yes, as the usual host, I understand some of her pain, but really, the difference between a lid or foil, the type of serving spoon....and what exactly is a "regulation sized cassarole"? Does it come with a rule book? Is there a biannual competition?
lorigoldsby November 2, 2011
You know to go with this fabulous recipe, there is a Thanksgiving letter that you really must read with your loved ones, it will bring a tear to the eye! For those of you that didn't see it last year on the awkward family photos page...
Bevi November 2, 2011
I am dying. But there's a little bit of Marnie in me - I'll admit it. My pet peeve is the person who decides to make a pie 1 hour before we are set to sit down - all 28 of us.
Panfusine November 2, 2011
@Bevi: I was about to suggest 'pure' holy water from the Ganges, preferably off the ghats of Varanasi!!
Bevi November 2, 2011
Well then, that would make this recipe truly a world classic.
Panfusine November 2, 2011
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.. (Isn't that what a ROTFL is all about??) Thanks Sam1148.. its such a refreshing change to read from all the queries we bombard Peter & the rest about the new design for the website...
Bevi November 2, 2011
I think the waterbath should consist of a combination of Hudson and East River fluids.

Voted the Best Reply!

aargersi November 2, 2011
Wow I have made this SO many times and everyone just goes crazy for it! Try substituting snapping turtles for box, it adds a certain flair to the meal. Also a side of wild picked untested mushrooms really brings excitement to the table too!!!
Sam1148 November 2, 2011
All mushrooms are edible, once.
SKK November 4, 2011
Wow, aargersi, you gave me the idea for little baby alligators! Those little teeny ones with all the teeth. That would be exciting when they came out on the table!
Bevi November 2, 2011
Wait a minute - where's the foam?
creamtea November 2, 2011 passe now that we have Spheres....
pierino November 2, 2011
I can just picture a surviving turtle waddling out of a turkey carcass saying, "What the f**k was that about.? I hope these humanoids get listeria. Where's my damn tank with the castle in it?"
susan G. November 1, 2011
Do you think there's a place for your recipe in a future F52 cookbook? What category?
Sam1148 November 1, 2011
The HMTL tags might not work for another 'joke' recipes for steak..I'm going to test posting here. Actually it might this one might be a joke..but something you'd pay big bucks for in a world class modernist place. (which I love BTW).

Take the steak and use a lab grade ultrasonic device (new window) to tenderize the cell walls and break down the fat molecules.

Put in cryrovac bag with a bit of rosemary and oil.
Inject some hickory smoke into the bag using a "Smoking Gun" (new window)smoke infusion device.

Using a VacMaster, Dry Piston Pump Chamber machine (new window)..remove the air from the bag to .25 atmospheres of pressure then heat seal.

Place the bag with steak in waterbath. Using a thermal immersion circulator (new window)set to 140 for med rare. Let that cook for 10 hours.

With a standard centrifuge separate components of one bottle of A1 sauce. Using pipettes...remove the individual layers and reserve.
Mix components with Calcium Chloride.
Drip into a bath of Sodium Alginate to create caviar sized spheres of each component layer. Drain and reserve.

The steak should be ready by now.

Lightly sear the outer surface a with Carbon Dioxide laser to create a .2 MM crust and dust with pink sea salt crystals and ground pepper.

Top with the A1 Alginate spheres...and herb butter.

Serve with a salad of juiced Romaine lettuce..flash frozen in liquid nitrogen, freeze dried balsamic vinegar flakes with olive oil spheres and tater tots on the side.

sdebrango November 2, 2011
Sounds great Sam, super simple and everything in this recipe is something we would have on readily at hand in our kitchens. I will have to drag out my hielscher ultrasonic cell disintegration device for this one.
Panfusine November 2, 2011
The April Fools category??
Sam1148 November 2, 2011
I actually could use one of those smoking gun smokers...they're fairly reasonable too.
Actually, I'd like a big sous-vide machine too.
chairmanhu November 1, 2011
chairmanhu November 1, 2011
and that was a response to the original question.
creamtea November 1, 2011
Do we crack the eggs or leave them whole?
Sam1148 November 1, 2011
With the turtle shells, the egg shells probably wouldn't be noticed. And egg shells would add a healthy calcium element to the dish. Plus the plating would be more theater with the wholes eggs coming out of the turkey cavity..and perhaps one struggling box turtle.
sdebrango November 1, 2011
sdebrango November 1, 2011
Turducken? How does one stuff a duck in a turkey it wouldn't fit. Love this Sam, so funny poor little turtles
Kristen M. November 1, 2011
This is hilarious. Thanks Sam!
lorigoldsby November 1, 2011
Sam and Ella's Poultry special....
drbabs November 1, 2011
Is this the new version of turducken?
Sam1148 November 1, 2011
You know..I think this 'joke' recipe might be inappropriate for the serious of the website.
It's not a cooking question..just me being snarky etc.

Maybe in the redesign, and development of the site a 'lounge'..we could talk and post about personal things, somewhat food related and have more conversational discussion.
The danger for that; there would have to be a board ban, remove, etc.
meganvt01 November 1, 2011
I think most foodies appreciate food humor just like this post. And you did tag it as "just for fun" which it is!
meganvt01 November 1, 2011
Baby box turtles too??! Is this recipe the absolute sure fire way to get salmonella this Turkey Day? :)
boulangere November 1, 2011
I'm a little short on iguanas at the moment. Can you suggest a suitable substitution?
Sam1148 November 1, 2011
A small komodo dragon would work well.
boulangere November 1, 2011
Note to self.
Sam1148 November 1, 2011
Remove the plastic wrapper and defrost the Turkey overnight on the counter-top.

Stuff the turkey with 3 cups of bread crumbs, 2 fresh eggs, 6 raw oysters (Chopped) and 3 1/2 baby box turtles.
Truss the turkey tightly to hold in the stuffing and box turtles. The half one shouldn't give you any problems.

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. Coat the skin with thin layer of mayonnaise to prevent burning and cook for 3 hours.

There will be some carry over cooking time, let it rest on the counter for an additional 2 hours to allow flavor to develop and juices to retreat.

Rub lightly with an iguana and serve.
Angela @. November 2, 2011
But great for weight loss. ;-)
Angela @. November 2, 2011
But great for weight loss. ;-)
SKK November 4, 2011
Sam, you may have already answered this but why 3 1/2 baby box turtles and not 4 1/2? And do you think one could make a bouillabaisse stock out of the turkey drippings? Inquiring minds want to know!
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