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How not to cook a Turkey.


I wrote this up awhile back as a joke for some people that wanted turkey recipes. I thought I share here.
I'll it in a bit on this thread after it becomes active...it's longer than questions allow.

Sam is a trusted home cook.

asked almost 5 years ago
39 answers 1854 views
0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

Remove the plastic wrapper and defrost the Turkey overnight on the counter-top.

Stuff the turkey with 3 cups of bread crumbs, 2 fresh eggs, 6 raw oysters (Chopped) and 3 1/2 baby box turtles.
Truss the turkey tightly to hold in the stuffing and box turtles. The half one shouldn't give you any problems.

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees. Coat the skin with thin layer of mayonnaise to prevent burning and cook for 3 hours.

There will be some carry over cooking time, let it rest on the counter for an additional 2 hours to allow flavor to develop and juices to retreat.

Rub lightly with an iguana and serve.

357b354b 4c02 43ad 8664 b674194054ea  me.pie.cookbooks
added almost 5 years ago

But great for weight loss. ;-)

357b354b 4c02 43ad 8664 b674194054ea  me.pie.cookbooks
added almost 5 years ago

But great for weight loss. ;-)

8a5161fb 3215 4036 ad80 9f60a53189da  buddhacat
SKK
added almost 5 years ago

Sam, you may have already answered this but why 3 1/2 baby box turtles and not 4 1/2? And do you think one could make a bouillabaisse stock out of the turkey drippings? Inquiring minds want to know!

F8c5465c 5952 47d4 9558 8116c099e439  dscn2212
boulangere

Cynthia is a trusted source on Bread/Baking.

added almost 5 years ago

I'm a little short on iguanas at the moment. Can you suggest a suitable substitution?

0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

A small komodo dragon would work well.

F8c5465c 5952 47d4 9558 8116c099e439  dscn2212
boulangere

Cynthia is a trusted source on Bread/Baking.

added almost 5 years ago

Note to self.

1f596ae9 f36c 4022 8b52 0c8583fd70b0  meg b f52
added almost 5 years ago

Baby box turtles too??! Is this recipe the absolute sure fire way to get salmonella this Turkey Day? :)

0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

You know..I think this 'joke' recipe might be inappropriate for the serious of the website.
It's not a cooking question..just me being snarky etc.

Maybe in the redesign, and development of the site a 'lounge'..we could talk and post about personal things, somewhat food related and have more conversational discussion.
The danger for that; there would have to be a board moderator..to ban, remove, etc.

1f596ae9 f36c 4022 8b52 0c8583fd70b0  meg b f52
added almost 5 years ago

I think most foodies appreciate food humor just like this post. And you did tag it as "just for fun" which it is!

E4b7660b f3f6 4873 bd6d 2130a16403fb  img 1088
drbabs

Barbara is a trusted source on General Cooking.

added almost 5 years ago

Is this the new version of turducken?

32fb3935 151a 4db2 ac26 980d4c0d5cea  lorigoldsby
added almost 5 years ago

Sam and Ella's Poultry special....

39bc764f 7859 45d4 9e95 fc5774280613  headshot 2.0 crop
Kristen Miglore

Kristen is the Creative Director of Food52

added almost 5 years ago

This is hilarious. Thanks Sam!

2f4926e2 248b 4c22 a6f7 8f2d888b8488  3 bizcard
sdebrango

Suzanne is a trusted source on General Cooking.

added almost 5 years ago

Turducken? How does one stuff a duck in a turkey it wouldn't fit. Love this Sam, so funny poor little turtles

48dd002c 4c45 4b84 8006 ac8614d467cd  dsc00859 2
creamtea

Lisanne is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

Do we crack the eggs or leave them whole?

0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

With the turtle shells, the egg shells probably wouldn't be noticed. And egg shells would add a healthy calcium element to the dish. Plus the plating would be more theater with the wholes eggs coming out of the turkey cavity..and perhaps one struggling box turtle.

2f4926e2 248b 4c22 a6f7 8f2d888b8488  3 bizcard
sdebrango

Suzanne is a trusted source on General Cooking.

added almost 5 years ago

LOL!!!!

0c6184b8 8171 4d6c be13 64783b4ef26a  12043167 10101477821695399 6760981916653921826 n
added almost 5 years ago

Whole.

0c6184b8 8171 4d6c be13 64783b4ef26a  12043167 10101477821695399 6760981916653921826 n
added almost 5 years ago

and that was a response to the original question.

C0d1f1de 4134 43ba 9510 1d7a8caa31f3  scan0004
added almost 5 years ago

Do you think there's a place for your recipe in a future F52 cookbook? What category?

0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

The HMTL tags might not work for another 'joke' recipes for steak..I'm going to test posting here. Actually it might this one might be a joke..but something you'd pay big bucks for in a world class modernist place. (which I love BTW).

Take the steak and use a lab grade ultrasonic device (new window) to tenderize the cell walls and break down the fat molecules.

Put in cryrovac bag with a bit of rosemary and oil.
Inject some hickory smoke into the bag using a "Smoking Gun" (new window)smoke infusion device.

Using a VacMaster, Dry Piston Pump Chamber machine (new window)..remove the air from the bag to .25 atmospheres of pressure then heat seal.

Place the bag with steak in waterbath. Using a thermal immersion circulator (new window)set to 140 for med rare. Let that cook for 10 hours.



With a standard centrifuge separate components of one bottle of A1 sauce. Using pipettes...remove the individual layers and reserve.
Mix components with Calcium Chloride.
Drip into a bath of Sodium Alginate to create caviar sized spheres of each component layer. Drain and reserve.

The steak should be ready by now.

Lightly sear the outer surface a with Carbon Dioxide laser to create a .2 MM crust and dust with pink sea salt crystals and ground pepper.

Top with the A1 Alginate spheres...and herb butter.

Serve with a salad of juiced Romaine lettuce..flash frozen in liquid nitrogen, freeze dried balsamic vinegar flakes with olive oil spheres and tater tots on the side.



ENJOY!

2f4926e2 248b 4c22 a6f7 8f2d888b8488  3 bizcard
sdebrango

Suzanne is a trusted source on General Cooking.

added almost 5 years ago

Sounds great Sam, super simple and everything in this recipe is something we would have on readily at hand in our kitchens. I will have to drag out my hielscher ultrasonic cell disintegration device for this one.

67544da8 1862 4539 8ec8 2d9dfc2601bb  dsc 0122.nef 1
added almost 5 years ago

The April Fools category??

0f493ab9 068f 4498 ba2c 95c992214d52  sit2
Sam1148

Sam is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

I actually could use one of those smoking gun smokers...they're fairly reasonable too.
http://www.cuisinetechnology...
Actually, I'd like a big sous-vide machine too.

C8ffa92e 3766 46b4 8290 dbef5c382a03  james joyce 1
pierino

pierino is a trusted source on General Cooking and Tough Love.

added almost 5 years ago

I can just picture a surviving turtle waddling out of a turkey carcass saying, "What the f**k was that about.? I hope these humanoids get listeria. Where's my damn tank with the castle in it?"

Bb911bcd 2446 4d8f 848f cdc2090e999a  leaf cake
added almost 5 years ago

Wait a minute - where's the foam?

48dd002c 4c45 4b84 8006 ac8614d467cd  dsc00859 2
creamtea

Lisanne is a trusted home cook.

added almost 5 years ago

foam....so passe now that we have Spheres....

Bb911bcd 2446 4d8f 848f cdc2090e999a  leaf cake
added almost 5 years ago

I think the waterbath should consist of a combination of Hudson and East River fluids.

67544da8 1862 4539 8ec8 2d9dfc2601bb  dsc 0122.nef 1
added almost 5 years ago

ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING.. (Isn't that what a ROTFL is all about??) Thanks Sam1148.. its such a refreshing change to read from all the queries we bombard Peter & the rest about the new design for the website...

67544da8 1862 4539 8ec8 2d9dfc2601bb  dsc 0122.nef 1
added almost 5 years ago

@Bevi: I was about to suggest 'pure' holy water from the Ganges, preferably off the ghats of Varanasi!!

Bb911bcd 2446 4d8f 848f cdc2090e999a  leaf cake
added almost 5 years ago

Well then, that would make this recipe truly a world classic.

32fb3935 151a 4db2 ac26 980d4c0d5cea  lorigoldsby
added almost 5 years ago

You know to go with this fabulous recipe, there is a Thanksgiving letter that you really must read with your loved ones, it will bring a tear to the eye! For those of you that didn't see it last year on the awkward family photos page...http://awkwardfamilyphotos...

Bb911bcd 2446 4d8f 848f cdc2090e999a  leaf cake
added almost 5 years ago

I am dying. But there's a little bit of Marnie in me - I'll admit it. My pet peeve is the person who decides to make a pie 1 hour before we are set to sit down - all 28 of us.

32fb3935 151a 4db2 ac26 980d4c0d5cea  lorigoldsby
added almost 5 years ago

Yes, as the usual host, I understand some of her pain, but really, the difference between a lid or foil, the type of serving spoon....and what exactly is a "regulation sized cassarole"? Does it come with a rule book? Is there a biannual competition?

8a5161fb 3215 4036 ad80 9f60a53189da  buddhacat
SKK
added almost 5 years ago

I love this letter from Marney - especially the line "Why do I even bother - she won't read this" And the line - "It is now time for you to contribute at the adult level."

8a5161fb 3215 4036 ad80 9f60a53189da  buddhacat
SKK
added almost 5 years ago

I just had a meeting cancel and have been putting my time to good use in this thread! Sam you are a genius. This is exactly the laugh I need to end this week!