Unhinged Hilarity in the Kitchen

Seems like holiday time always involves some epic disaster in my kitchen but a disaster that ends up being hilarious later on after a few cocktails. Figured since Thanksgiving is rapidly gaining on us all it might be fun to take a break and share some funny stories. Any takers?

  • Posted by: Niknud
  • November 18, 2011
  • 1600 views
  • 47 Comments

47 Comments

fiveandspice November 22, 2011
These stories are fabulous! Have you all heard the radio story - I think it was on the Splendid Table - with the woman who was basting her turkey with cognac, and it wound up shooting a massive fireball out of the stove? It's hilarious. Anyway, for my own part, several years ago my now husband plus several friends and I celebrated Thanksgiving at a friend's house. She had picked up a large bucket of fresh oysters and clams to shuck and eat as appetizers while we finished up our meal preparations. My husband and another friend were put to work shucking the shellfish. The friend had an actual shucker, my husband was using a semi-sharp table knife. Suddenly the hostess and I hear an "oh, holy s*&t!" coming from the kitchen, and our friend is running around in a crazed whirlwind saying "we need a towel, somebody get a towel, we need a towel!" And, my husband is sitting there looking stunned while massive amounts of blood are pouring out of his hand. My friend, the hostess, grabs a kitchen towel and wraps it around his hand, and we set off to find some antibiotic ointment and bandaging to wrap it up. Her roommate at the time was in nursing school, so we figured there ought to be good medical supplies. Except, her roommate was really only into alternative medicine, and the closest thing we could find to neosporin was some calendula oil "for minor cuts and bruises". And, there was not a single bandage or band aid in the house. So, we wound up taping a sanitary pad to my husband's hand with duct tape (and a tiny drop of calendula oil, for goo measure), and he had to wear it all through the rest of the evening festivities.
 
boulangere November 23, 2011
Hysterical fiveandspice!
 
arielleclementine November 23, 2011
amazing!
 
wssmom November 22, 2011
LOL lori -- too funny!
 
lorigoldsby November 22, 2011
Wssmom--So glad i checked back for this! We would have LOVED a can of veg-all! My husband, Dale, would have sworn an oath that broccoli was purplish-gray, not green. He'd never eaten a raw vegetable except a carrot or turnip! Veggies were something that were bought frozen and boiled to a mushy mess...although the creamy white flesh of the turkey did offset that slightly lavendar tint of the veggies!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! May your turkies be golden and succulent and her gravy lump free!!
 
drbabs November 21, 2011
I think you win the diversity sweepstakes! I hope your mother in law has learned to communicate a little better!
 

Voted the Best Reply!

wssmom November 21, 2011
@lorigoldsby are you sure we don't have separated-at-birth mothers-in-law? About two weeks before my first Thanksgiving at the Spouse's parents' house in New Jersey, my mother-in-law, whose idea of a good side dish is a can of Veg-all, ordered a 22-pound turkey from the kosher butcher. This was done, she told me (the Irish-Swedish daughter-in-law) and Debbie (the New England WASP daughter-in-law) to accommodate Sharon (the observant Jewish daughter-in-law). Renee - whose idea of keeping kosher was to make matzoh brei out of any leftover matzoh during Passover - assumed that Sharon was going to take charge of the holiday meal to ensure it wasn't trayf and told the Spouse and I all we had to bring was the wine (also kosher); Debbie and Jeffrey were to provide dessert (ditto). Early Thursday morning, when Michael arrived with Sharon, Renee took her into the kitchen and with a grand sweeping gesture, proclaimed, "The kitchen is yours!" Sharon looked her straight in the eye and matter-of-factly replied: "I don't cook." Two hours later, when the rest of us showed up, the 22-pound turkey was still in the refrigerator, next to Renee's mini-marshmallow-pineapple-pecan lime Jello mold and a can of cranberry sauce. Somehow, with the aid of several bottles of the very good kosher pinot grigio and a good deal of imagination, Debbie and I managed to come up with a reasonable facsimile of a Thanksgiving dinner. And the next year? Renee ordered the WHOLE dinner, not just the turkey!
 
boulangere November 21, 2011
Oh, love it, wssmom!
 
creamtea November 21, 2011
That's very funny. Making memories, that's what it's all about.....
 
lorigoldsby November 21, 2011
AJ you must be very blessed, indeed!
 
AntoniaJames November 21, 2011
LG and B, i have the lovely Dacor range that's now in my kitchen due to a Christmas kitchen "disaster" a few years ago. I had an ancient gas stove and oven that may well have been installed in our house in the 50's. It worked reasonably well, actually, for most purposes, and I was just so busy with everything else that I never replaced it. It was a bit quirky, in that when the igniters wore out, I had to light the burners with a match, but I really didn't mind that much. Then, on that wonderful/fateful Christmas (2008, I think), I was cooking my usual Christmas spread, and I could not understand why everything was cooking so quickly. Well, I soon realized t that even when I turned the oven way down, it was still very hot. And in fact, I could not turn it off!! No worries. I just finished cooking the meal, and then had Mr. T turn off the gas at the valve going into the wall behind it. And the next day we went shopping for a new range. I actually feel that the event is emblematic of the life I'm so fortunate to be leading. My oven decided to die in the friendliest way possible . . . by allowing me to make my Christmas meal, and then (after Mr. T turned the gas back on), allowing me to continue to use the stove, until the new range was installed a few weeks later. ;o)
 
lorigoldsby November 20, 2011
So anyone wanting that new convection oven needs to follow B's "recipe" for a new kitchen !
 
boulangere November 20, 2011
The first Thanksgiving that my sister and now husband were in California, we celebrated Thanksgiving together. I got the lovely turkey in the oven, and everything progressed very nicely. The turkey did seem to be browning awfully quickly. Oh, well. We simply moved things along a little more quickly. When it was done, my brother-in-law lifted it out of the oven and reached to turn it off. In doing so, he asked if I'd intentionally set the oven to Broil. The turkey was a bit dry, but the stuffing was fantastic. After dinner we decided to run the Oven Clean while we were playing some kind of board game. My brother-in-law mentioned that it smelled like we were roasting the turkey all over again. He peeked into the semi-dark kitchen, motioned to all of us to come see something. Out of the element connection on each burner, a lovely little flame was burning, almost like stove-top candles. Evidently, all of the turkey spatter had collected on the oven roof. We'd planned to get a new oven at some point. My husband for years referred to it as the most expensive damn turkey ever.
 
Niknud November 21, 2011
LOL! I've been wanting a gas stove for YEARS. We've agreed that the next time we need to get a new stove we'll do the conversion to gas at the same time. Seriously, who has to work under electric conditions? It's horrible. I am going to try your trick for getting a new stove!
 
boulangere November 21, 2011
; ) Best of (bad) luck to you!
 
petitbleu November 20, 2011
I made my first batch of croissants to be ready on Christmas morning a couple years ago. Everything was going swimmingly until I decided to bake them on a rimless baking stone (I use a baking stone whenever I can for the lovely crust it gives and how evenly they bake). The butter melted, pooled in the bottom of the oven, and caught fire. My father, at the time a volunteer fire fighter, stood there as if to say, "Don't look at me. I don't know what to do!" Finally, my mother put the fire out. The croissants turned out great, though. Lesson learned.
 
Panfusine November 20, 2011
At this time of the year, I NEVER fail to see one or two wild turkeys gobbling about outside my kitchen window ...Dunno if its because they know my kitchen is vegetarian or if there is an invisible turkey frequency only' sign flashing from my chimney that advertises a safe haven...
 
boulangere November 20, 2011
I love driving out to my friend's bison ranch because of all the wild turkeys we see. She has a resident flock that hangs out around her grain silo.
 
lorigoldsby November 20, 2011
the only thing "unhinged" about this was me...the first year I spent Thanksgiving with my new in-laws, i am in the kitchen offering to help. My mother-in-law does not like to cook or entertain. She pulls the turkey out of the oven, removes the foil and it is snow white but completely cooked. My mind was spinning...is she waiting to baste it before everyone else arrives at the last minute? Now i have always had "foot-in-mouth" disease and I am almost apolectic trying to figure out a way to help her salvage the turkey without needing to salvage our relationship....
 
Kitchen B. November 21, 2011
So what did you do.....I'm sure it had a happy ending - you still say 'mother-in-law'!
 
Kitchen B. November 21, 2011
So what did you do.....I'm sure it had a happy ending - you still say 'mother-in-law'!
 
Greenstuff November 19, 2011
Sinks ALWAYS clog at Thanksgiving--because people think that garbage disposals can handle a bigger load of potato peels than they really can. Dishwashesr always die just as holiday guests arrive--that one, I haven't figured out. Why I've had spaghetti alla carbonara for Christmas dinner--twice!--that's a story I'm holding for the perfect FOOD52 moment. Let's just say that I avoid turkey for ALL holiday meals--it's a fowl curse.
 
creamtea November 20, 2011
my refrigerator died in the middle of Passover, just before the last 2 days, which are holidays. And which coincided with Easter that year. Meaning there was not a repairman to be found. Add overstuffed refrigerators to the top-ten-appliances-most-likely-to-fail-when-you-most-need-them list.
 
Niknud November 21, 2011
I am guilty of clogging the garbage disposal with potato peels....twice. The first time my husband was deployed and I was on the phone to my mom in tears because I couldn't get it to drain. My mom, very calmly, tells me to use a plunger. Duh. Worked like a charm. Twice.
 
boulangere November 19, 2011
A true disaster just can't be fully appreciated without witnesses. Witnesses who will help spread the story.
 
SKK November 19, 2011
And then there was the Thanksgiving at my house, had about 12 people including 4 children between the age of 4 and 6. 2/3 of the through the roasting of the turkey and the side dishes the power went out all over the area due to a huge windstorm. No lights, no heat, no food - we lit a fire in the fireplace and had fruit, crackers and cheese. Power came on 3 days later - all food had to be thrown out. That Thanksgiving an overly dry turkey would have been great!
 
SKK November 19, 2011
The first Thanksgiving my sister hosted when she moved here from Denver was very exciting. The sinks plugged up half-way through cooking. Get a plunger! Plunged - dirty water forced out of the sink rained over the kitchen, the turkey, the side-dishes. Locusts looked kind of appealing at that point.
 
boulangere November 19, 2011
We spent a Christmas without water. 25 below zero temperatures froze something important besides our pipes. At the local market I was moaning about having to melt buckets of snow on the woodstove so we could flush the toilets. A friend who lived out on the (windswept) peninsula on the lake exclaimed, "At least you HAVE snow!" I think she'd have welcomed some locusts as well.
 
Niknud November 18, 2011
Yikes! Lucky there wasn't a plague of locust I suppose. That really was a disaster!
 
creamtea November 18, 2011
I suppose it was the eleventh plague. Now that I think of it, it's a "miracle" said guest forgave us before Yom Kippur of the following year.
 
creamtea November 18, 2011
The time there was a massive flood from the upstairs apartment--they were on vacation so it's anyone's guess how it happened. I think it was the day after T-day and I had invited a guest for the Sabbath meal to help finish up the goodies. The turkey was sitting out on the stove ready to be served. The flood waters, having travelled through several layers of flooring, concrete, plaster, paint and whatever else there is inside walls and ceilings poured onto the turkey. I think I apologized profusely and sent the guest home. We have remained friends, miraculously.
 
sdebrango November 18, 2011
Now thats a disaster! Wow!!
 
drbabs November 18, 2011
you're sure that wasn't Passover? :)
 
boulangere November 19, 2011
Timing is everything in this life.
 
beyondcelery November 18, 2011
When my family used to live near enough to each other, we had large Thanksgiving dinners at a long table in my grandparent's house. The kids tended to be at one end, but everyone was at the same table. One Thanksgiving, when I was around 10 and most of my cousins ranged from 2-6, there was a bowl of peanuts being passed around the table along with everything else. They disappeared pretty quickly and no one thought anything of it. Until, our bellies full, we began to push back our chairs and retire to the living room. Under the chair of my 4-year-old cousin, we found a pile of peanuts. As we'd been passing food, he'd been grabbing fistfuls of peanuts and putting them under his chair! My dad called it The Peanut Farm and everyone thought it was hilarious. Not exactly a disaster, but certainly a bit of cleaning up out of the carpet. We still laugh about that one every Thanksgiving.
 
Niknud November 18, 2011
Hilarious! Wish my cousins and I had thought of that when we were kids and the dreaded oyster loaf came around.....
 
sdebrango November 18, 2011
One year I decided to make a capon, I ordered it from the butcher (it came frozen, no fresh capons available) left in the fridge to thaw 2 days before T-day. That morning I opened the plastic wrapping and it was bad, I mean really bad. There were no stores open other than bodega's or little deli's so that Thanksgiving we only had sides.
 
boulangere November 19, 2011
Sounds like a lovely dinner.
 
enbe November 22, 2011
While that's too bad....it sounds like my dream thanksgiving! As a vegetarian, I'm always angling for more sides anyway ;)
 
boulangere November 18, 2011
So I ordered my fresh, organic turkey well in advance. I picked it up when I said I would. On The Big Day, I removed it from the refrigerator (but left it wrapped) to let it creep up on room temperature. Naturally, there's a lot of multi-tasking going on on The Big Day; you know, football scores to be checked, last-minute dash to the store, table to set, people coming and going. And animals underfoot. I'd shooed the dogs out the back door, so I know they were at least innocent. I came into the kitchen from wherever I'd been, and someone had chewed through the plastic wrapper, and down into the breast of that lovely turkey. I suspect more than one cat was involved, though it'd have taken DNA testing to figure out which ones.
 
Niknud November 18, 2011
Oh NO! What did you do for a main course?
 
sdebrango November 18, 2011
Must be the spawn of the cat that at my turkey also!! Hilarious. In order to make quick work of it I'm sure there were at least 2 involved in the dirty deed.
 
boulangere November 19, 2011
I was lucky enough to find fresh, organic chickens at the grocery store which was mercifully open.
 
sdebrango November 18, 2011
You got me there, ok now my pugs are envious of the determination and ingenuity of that little pug. I won't give them any ideas!! Hilarious!
 
sdebrango November 18, 2011
The cat ate my turkey! It really happened the first Thanksgiving meal I ever made.
 
Niknud November 18, 2011
That's one determined cat! I see your turkey and raise you the pumpkin pie (with candied orange rind, she sobs) from two Thanksgivings ago that was eaten by my cousin's pug. Who followed up this stunning performance the next morning with an encore of devouring the breakfast waffles. There were impressive acrobatics that involved chair to barstool to countertop maneuvering.
 
boulangere November 23, 2011
One of my cats can make it 7/8 of the way around the kitchen without touching the floor. I'm pretty sure her DNA was among those in my nice fresh turkey.
 
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