Fairy Floss Girl, Cam's Kicks, and More (Unexpected) Places We Found Food This Week

“What are those?” Uhhh, Cam Newton’s cheesy shoes, that’s what. Yeah, it’s true. The footballer was spotted wearing some $1,000 Giuesppe Zanotti galoshes that look an awful lot like what you may chance upon in a grocery store's dairy section, prompting some division over what cheese, exactly, they were composed of: dill havarti or pepper jack? Please take a look and decide for yourself.

Hm...did you know this? Cotton candy was once widely referred to as "fairy floss," and it remains so in Australia, where I’m told the internet “fell in love” with the fairy floss girl of Flemington, a spritely young woman clad in a blue dress and snapped munching daintiliy on the confectionary. Her name is Karly Tsivoglu, Daily Mail Australia would soon find out, putting to rest the great race of the internet's libidinous men to unearth her identity. "She looks amazing, she's got cotton candy hanging out of her mouth... it's all happening," one radio host apparently quipped. Incredible.

Hold me close, baby—we're approaching the Dark Web, where a team of Russian roasters has decided to sell its Chernyi Black black roast coffee, laying claim to being the "first legal product advertisement on the darknet." Its website is only accessible through the use of Tor; if you do, visit this site, buy the coffee, and tell me if it's good.

Whoa—give me a “break in”! Earlier this week, Kansas State University undergrad Hunter Jobbins came upon his unlocked car, which he'd parked in front of his dorm for a mere 15 minutes, to find a Kit-Kat that once occupied his car's cup-holder suddenly missing. In the wafered bar's stead was a note justifying its theft. "Did not take anything other than the Kit-Kat. I am sorry and hungry," the petty criminal scribed, neglecting to punctuate the end of his missive on a napkin.

Millennials have long formed the backbone of SEO-friendly headlines steeped in moral panic; take, for example, this pair from The Atlantic and the Washington Post, two bastions of respectable American journalism. These headlines do a disservice to the content of the actual pieces, which detail, respectively, how a certain demographic of Americans skews away from grocery shopping and dining out due to the confluence of factors beyond their control.

I still haven’t seen Ted, the 2012 movie starring a stuffed bear endowed with the mouth of a sailor—of a piece with my unending boycott of Seth McFarlane following his disastrously unfunny stint hosting the Oscars. But a Ted-themed cafe and bar has opened in Shibuya, Tokyo to great fanfare, part of a recent spate of “collab cafes” in Japan that pivot around beloved characters in popular culture. The menu features such staples as pizza and taco rice, all affixed with the visage of this grizzly teddy with a foul mouth.

Do Not Cry for the Redrawn Peach Emoji

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Refurbishing its emoji keyboard for iOS 10.2, Apple unveiled a new peach emoji that has slightly more verisimilitude than its shapely predecessor. Before this, the peach emoji had long subsisted as sly code for, uh, a human butt. In its new iteration, the peach emoji's angle of the crease has shifted slightly, sparking a number of extremely dramatic obituaries that obfuscate the fact that, as I wrote earlier this week, the emoji still looks like a butt. Next!

Remember this New York Post story from May about the crazy crash of NYC’s hottest vegan, Sarma Melngailis? It’s wild. The piece was the kind that is engineered to pinball across social, so compelling is its narrative DNA: a blonde-haired woman who drinks green juice as a thoroughfare of her diet, now entangled in crime. The story had a whiff of tabloid sensationalism, baked into the Post's ethos, that it just couldn't shake. Well, Vanity Fair has just published a longer piece on this ordeal with some damning new details. It’s a thorough piece reported with rigor and sympathy. I'd like for you to read it.

Okay, bye.

What else did we miss? Let us know in the comments!