Photo by Alexandra Bowman
Popular on Food52
77 Comments
vegemonster
January 27, 2021
Emma, I just came across this article again even though I know you published it a few years ago, and I so appreciate your humor and honesty on this topic. It feels particularly relevant to me during the pandemic, when my own old food and body issues have really come back with a vengeance, but when I also have so much more time to reconnect with both food and exercise in positive ways. Thank you so much for writing this!
Emma L.
January 28, 2021
Thanks so much for reading, and for the kind words. The pandemic really forces us to relearn so many things. Looking forward to the other side and wishing you all the best.
Emma O.
October 11, 2018
Could not have come across this at a better time. I am a baker by trade, however have been out of work (aside from Thanksgiving pie order madness and the occasional gig) for two years after having my daughter. I just love, and am really feeling ready to start a small, manageable business of my own. However, I also have a past freckled with eating disorders and a ridiculously complex relationship with food and eating. I have been asking myself over the past few days if these issues will stand in the way of my success. I know in my heart (I think...) that they will not, but your article gives me an extra dose of courage. Thank you! And much applause to you!
Emma L.
October 11, 2018
Thanks so much, Emma. Grateful for your openness and that this story spoke to you. To me, acknowledging our own shortcomings is the hardest part; after we do that, there's little else between us and whatever we want to achieve. Rooting for you!
Winifred R.
July 2, 2018
Thank you for opening up. I suspect many of us have gone through or are going through something similar. Even in my 60s I have a complicated relationship with food that will not end until my demise because medical personnel seem to feel that anything associated with disease --dis ease for my body is associated with weight. To heck with the fact i am now 85 pounds lighter than 5 or 6 years ago, and have kept it off or that I am currently dealing with some slight arthritis associated with age according to my recent trips to physical therapy. So we, the nurturers starve ourselves to be compliant and have bodies that are not unruly socially or medically. How ridiculous is this?
Emma P.
July 1, 2018
I felt so connected to this article that I created an account just to save it for later, so I remember that other people go through the same thing. “I love food,” I tell people, but I don’t talk about the negative relationships I have with it as well. Keep working on the positive self-love, girl! We are too.
Mandy B.
July 1, 2018
Thank you for this. We prepare food, we pay tribute to the ingredients and the preparation but we don't often discuss the rest of the equation - eating it. How we feel about food and our bodies and eating in public versus eating in private. How we feel in our soul after a meal, versus how we fell in our skin. Please feature pieces like this regularly!
Melissa Y.
May 21, 2018
Many people have already commented about how brave and wonderful this article is, but I wanted to add one more fangirl to your club! Thank you for publicly sharing what many of us are ashamed to admit, even to ourselves. I adored reading it, and I am so glad you are part of the Food52 community!
Melody P.
May 19, 2018
Emma, thanks so much for sharing! This was so amazing to read as I'm going through the same food struggles right now and have gone through similar scenarios (like that calorie counter!). Hope more foodies can be as transparent as your article is. <3
Emily R.
May 13, 2018
This made me cry in both a good way and also in the way that I am furious i’m not friends with you, Emma. Such a wonderful piece.
Ilana S.
May 11, 2018
Emma, I loved this so much. So many great takeaways, but the best was this: I’m not allowed to talk to myself in a way that I would never, ever talk to someone else. You'd think by now (I'm 57) I would have figured this one out, but hey...I guess that's the flip side of trying to be 18 til you die! Seriously, as a lifetime food person (eater, then chef, then writer), I agree that there is no perfect relationship with food. It's central to our lives, but like other relationships, is not always comforting. It was lovely reading your words and thank you for your honesty.
Ilyssa
May 10, 2018
Emma, Would you believe me if I told you that in 7th grade my friend Nancy told me i had a big butt when we were going up the stairs (she was obviously behind me)! I still blame her for all of my body issues! Loved your piece. Thanks for sharing!
Angie
May 7, 2018
HELLOOOO relatable! I've also loved food my whole life but had more of a secretly complicated relationship to it so this really resonated with me. And yea, one of my biggest pet peeves is people who ask me how I stay so "skinny" when I'm like ugh, let's not even get into that. Great piece!
Kayla R.
May 7, 2018
<3 Wow. I think you and I have gone through many similar struggles. Thanks for sharing them in a way that honors the complicated nature of loving food and having food issues. I started working at a bakery last year--a dream of mine (if I could figure out how to make the money work, I would love to be a food anthropologist). My job awoke a lot of demons I shoved under the rug, but I'm trying to face them and get to a better place. This process often leads to trying to create "good" rules instead of the "bad" ones that have become habitual -- but often those terms become so mixed that I run myself in circles, putting the two ideas in competition (is this one good for my mental health or good for my body?). I don't spend all of my time at work baking in the back. I had most of my hours shifted to the front of the store during the slow winter months. During almost every shift out there, a customer will remark, "How are you so thin if you work here? I love this place, but I never could. If I did, I'd weigh 10,000 pounds!" My comment is usually something along the lines of excusable exercise, "I walk seven miles a shift" or "I run, bike, and do yoga." A huge part of me wants to scream out "Why are you evaluating my body?" or "How can you possibly think I'm thin with this stomach?", but instead, I politely smile and bury my feelings further. I'm not sure how I'll end up resolving my love for food with my relationship to it, but your article has given me hope and a new inspirational place to start (to, "Find What Feels Good" as Adriene would say). Keep fighting the good fight.
Emma L.
May 7, 2018
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story, Kayla. The "Is this one good for my mental health or good for my body?" question is one I know well. So hopeful that you'll "find what feels good"—even if some days that feels harder than others. I'm cheering for you.
Ttrockwood
May 6, 2018
Thank you for writing this deeply personal piece. It’s so brutally honest and inspiring to know you have been able to move past harmful behaviors.
Jessica J.
May 5, 2018
So many of us publically perform our food issues in our very jobs (writes the professor of Food Studies!) - it legitimates, and makes praisable, our obsession. To many of us with fraught relationships with food and our bodies, being an amazing cookbook author, scholar, researcher, dietician etc means that we get to perform our struggle for a living. I think that more of us need to address this in public forums. I can not confidently say that my 25+ year struggle with disordered eating has improved as I have gotten older because I have to “do” food for my job. I sometimes think about my life before my issues. I can barely remember what it was like to eat without thinking about food, as a kid does - not congratulating oneself for “being good” for fasting, or throwing away the scale in ceremony declaring oneself free from its shackles. When people get ill, they often spend hours researching the illness; its cures, treatment protocols, and recovery rates. Aren’t we just doing the same?
Hillary
May 5, 2018
I think it depends on how you are approaching your job. I've experienced my job very differently depending on where I am in recovery. When my eating was still very disordered, it did feel a bit like a performance. The obsession with what I allowed to go past my lips despite what I did for a living (baker), working with butter and sugar all day but so focused on being thin. I remember my thinking then and it did feel like an obsession, but not a fun or interesting one. It felt like a chain in my brain. Now, I think about recipe development with excitement and I get inspired without it feeling like weight (pardon the pun) in my brain. There are times when I have thought about getting out of the food industry because I was so tired of thinking about food all the time. The performance was exhausting. I really think it's about being honest with yourself and, like you said, speaking out in these public places. Hiding and secrets have never solved anything. Especially for women in the food industry, there's a dichotomy between the image of a beautiful, glamorous, dainty-fork-holding lady who only orders salad with dressing on the side, and the fact that being in the food industry requires one to eat food and enjoy food. So many people are surprised when I tell them I've struggled with anorexia because I am a baker. They are so confused yet I know so many women in the food industry who have or are still struggling. Food is wonderful, but damn can it be compicated!
Jr0717
May 5, 2018
As everyone above has mentioned, I can appreciate, respect, and admire your honesty, bravery, and struggle. It is something too many of us are familiar with, and giving it the attention it deserves in the hopes that sharing can lead to a new discussion about ending stigmas and finding resolutions is something I commend immensely. Thank you, and know that you're not alone, but instead supported by a community of those who struggle and those who love food and life unabashedly alike.
Hillary
May 4, 2018
Love this honesty! I am a baker who struggled with anorexia for many years. I hated the comments about how skinny I was for being a baker. My relationship with food is better, but there is still progress to be made. I love your new rules and I hope be a voice about food issues in the food industry. It's not often talked about, but it is there.
g. M.
May 4, 2018
Hillary, thank you so much for being open about your anorexia struggle. In another comment I replied that I'm so grateful to people like you who say it out loud. My daugher, 15, has anorexia and the more we shout it out loud, the more the stigma will end I hope. Thank you!
Hillary
May 4, 2018
I developed anorexia when I was 14 and will be 31 this month. I battled for more than half my life and man finally getting to healthy place physically and mentally. I am so open about my struggles because mental illness is not something to be ashamed of and needs to be talked about. I hope your daughter can find her footing and more quickly than I have. I use baking as a way to heal and to combat those pesky perfectionist thoughts. Encourage her to find something outside of her eating disorder to explore. Try something, make mistakes, learn to sit with being uncomfortable (recovery is uncomfortable in so many ways so practicing that with less important things can be helpful), but know that things will be okay. The only way to get through it is to go through it.
Thinking of you and sending strength to your daughter
Thinking of you and sending strength to your daughter
Emma L.
May 7, 2018
Thank you, Hillary. And thank you for sharing your story. As you said, our struggles are nothing to be ashamed of—and I know we can all learn so much from each other. Admiring your strength.
Marisa
May 4, 2018
This was so lovely to read. I spend my entire day either thinking about what I want to eat, thinking about what I should eat, and trying to find ways to punish myself for breaking my "should" list. Food is wonderful, and so, so complicated.
Emma L.
May 7, 2018
Thanks, Marisa—and thank you for being open here. "Wonderful and so, so complicated" says it all.
Erica G.
May 4, 2018
I can't even begin to tell you how much I loved everything about this piece. That part you mentioned about learning to hide parts of yourself really resonated. A defense mechanism of sorts. Every relationship, obviously food included, is complicated and messy and imperfect. But I guess acknowledging the mess is what ultimately allows you to find your own way to come to terms with inherent struggle, teach yourself how to manage, and forge on through. Thank you for sharing! I'm so glad I get to work with you. :)
P.S. Your coconut cream pie looks epic and I already know what I'm making this weekend(!!)
P.S. Your coconut cream pie looks epic and I already know what I'm making this weekend(!!)
birdseedkitchen.com
May 4, 2018
Thank you for sharing this! "I’m not allowed to talk to myself in a way that I would never, ever talk to someone else." is now my directive. :-)
MarieGlobetrotter
May 4, 2018
Thank you for sharing. It's so hard to put these things into words. I can absolutely relate. I have always loved cooking and eating - ever since I was a child. But at now 34 years old, I have been battling with anorexia for seven years. It's a daily struggle that makes you rethink your childhood, your relationship with food, your relationship with people, your perception of pleasure and your femininity. It's hard, if not impossible, to explain this to people who don't deal with it.Isn't it so strange that I like cooking (for others) and reading about food but don't eat anything myself?
Emma L.
May 4, 2018
Thank you for reading, and thank you so much for sharing your story. Loving food and struggling with food—at the same time!—does feel strange, but is such a shared experience. You aren't alone. I hope connecting with others can provide support and solace for you, as it has for me. I'm rooting for you.
g. M.
May 4, 2018
Thank you so much MarieGlobetrotter for saying out loud that you have been battling anorexia. I am mother to a 15 year old daughter whose struggle has just begun (1 year) and the more we say it out loud and share, hopefully the sooner the stigma will end. thank you Sooooo much!
MarieGlobetrotter
May 4, 2018
Well, I’m outspoken about it because I wouldn’t wish this to my worse enemy. Could luck to you and your daughter. You know, my mother and I are closer than ever because of this. Her support is invaluable
Jennifer
May 4, 2018
I have had Food52 in my blog reader for at least a year, but this is the article that made me create an account so I could post.
This was just so good, and thoughtful, and insightful. I have yet to declare peace with my body (or my relationship with food) but knowing that others have also struggled makes me feel less weird about it. Thank you for sharing!
This was just so good, and thoughtful, and insightful. I have yet to declare peace with my body (or my relationship with food) but knowing that others have also struggled makes me feel less weird about it. Thank you for sharing!
L C.
May 3, 2018
This is an amazingly candid sharing, and I thank you heartily. It seems like we are living in a time of such intense personal and professional branding, and it is pretty unpopular to display the true complexities and challenges of our lives. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
Emma L.
May 3, 2018
Thank you so much. It's taken a long time to write this, so it means a lot to finally share. Appreciate you reading!
Amber B.
May 3, 2018
So relatable! Thanks for sharing. I also have the rule about not talking/thinking about myself in a way that I wouldn't talk to a friend or loved one. I'm a body positive newbie, but it's so refreshing.
Hana A.
May 3, 2018
Thanks for sharing your journey with us, Emma. We're so lucky to know you (and your coconut cream pie).
Join The Conversation