What would you do if someone constantly critisized your food?
My husband and I love having people over for dinner because we both love to cook. We've been asking this one woman over a lot recently because she's come back to our neck of the woods to be with her ailing father. She thinks it's wonderful to get out of the house and hang out with old friends, but she has been critical of everything I've cooked. We don't go out to eat because we just can't afford to, so we can't just meet her at a restaurant. We've tried to get her to tell us what she'd like to have, and she says, "I'm game to try anything." Then she tears it apart. I've explained to her that this is bad manners, and that I really don't enjoy her negativity, and she always apologizes, but in a backhanded sort of way. The last time was the worst, though. While we were eating spicy pork chops with caramelized apples, she said, "Oh, what kind of apples did you use?" I said I used Fuji's because they're the favorite in our family. We just can't get the kids to eat Granny Smiths. She then said, "Oh, that explains it. I just adore Granny Smiths. I've never heard of anyone cooking with anything else. I don't know about Fuji's. I just love Granny Smiths." Then later, after my husband had left the room, she said, "I guess I need to apologize yet again. I'm just not used to your kind of cooking. You're a good cook, don't get me wrong, but you're not a excellent cook. I dated a certified chef, and he just spoiled me to gourmet food. But you really are a good cook." I wanted to escort her out of my house right then and there because she's cooked for us, and it was nothing impressive. It was canned soup and chicken thrown into a pot with some scorched broccoli on the side. So on one hand I'm thinking, well, you obviously didn't learn anything from him, and on the other hand I'm thinking, you really are a jealous little witch. When she brought her food over to our house, I was just as nice as I could be. I raved over the chicken, which was pretty good, but it didn't have the time and fresh ingredients that go into my food. My husband, once I told him what she'd said, told me that he is so fed up with her crap that he will never invite her over again, and she's more his friend than mine. I'm just so irritated. I don't know whether to keep my mouth shut and let her figure out that she's never getting invited again or give her a taste of her own brutally honest medicine and also let her know that while I'm not certified, I have been trained by some of the best bakers and chefs in our area, but it was more out of friendship and family ties than culinary discipline.
34 Comments
You are clearly a very patient and compassionate person, and if you do decide to keep socializing with this person, maybe you want to do it on an explicitly non-food-related basis? If finances are tight, I wouldn't even bother going out for coffee with her. Maybe you could invite her over some evening AFTER dinner to play cards, Scrabble, etc. You can serve tea (and suggest that she bring her own teabag if she's picky about what kind she drinks!) Again, if she questions why not until after dinner, she's given you plenty of reasons why!
You are clearly a very patient and compassionate person, and if you do decide to keep socializing with this person, maybe you want to do it on an explicitly non-food-related basis? If finances are tight, I wouldn't even bother going out for coffee with her. Maybe you could invite her over some evening AFTER dinner to play cards, Scrabble, etc. You can serve tea (and suggest that she bring her own teabag if she's picky about what kind she drinks!) Again, if she questions why not until after dinner, she's given you plenty of reasons why!
You are clearly a very patient and compassionate person, and if you do decide to keep socializing with this person, maybe you want to do it on an explicitly non-food-related basis? If finances are tight, I wouldn't even bother going out for coffee with her. Maybe you could invite her over some evening AFTER dinner to play cards, Scrabble, etc. You can serve tea (and suggest that she bring her own teabag if she's picky about what kind she drinks!) Again, if she questions why not until after dinner, she's given you plenty of reasons why!
The worst part is that you have told her how you feel about this and she keeps doing it. It's probably an ingrained habit that she's had for a long time -- my father used to comment on my weight every time I came home for a visit, and no matter how many times I told him it was hurtful and I didn't want to hear it, it was in one ear and out the other. Finally I wrote him a letter. For some reason, that worked. Frankly I don't think this person's "friendship" is worth the effort to go that far to make her understand, but my point is just that verbal communication isn't working. I suggest that if you want to make the effort to continue to spend time with this person, you stop inviting her over for dinner and invite her over for board games or a movie rental instead. You've got to set a boundary with her. If she asks why, tell her it's because you don't enjoy making dinner for people who criticize your cooking constantly. Either she'll leave it at that, or she'll apologize -- a real apology, not "I guess I have to apologize" which is really saying "you are making me apologize" not "I feel bad about what I said."
Anyway. I always think it is best to let people know how you feel... often they don't realize how their comments can hurt, or at least, make things awkward. So if you value your friendship, do have coffee with her, as others recommended, and over something sweet, tell her her comments take away from a convivial evening with friends... Your next step depends on her response...
I like the ideas of coffee, cooking together, and having her bring food over, too. What about a potluck...? Then you go do a little tit-for-tat and give a zinger about her dish right back. Just kidding. That probably wouldn't be the most supportive choice.
I just read your question and my immediate reaction was: you're still inviting her over because...? Sad that her father is ailing, but it sounds like she's exploiting your kindness to express some infantile chip on her shoulder - with your name on it. Repeatedly. Honestly, I wouldn't even be bothered enlightening her about your cooking training - or anything else for that matter. 'Proving' yourself to her just seems like engaging in this infantile passive/aggressive thing she has going. We all have (or have had) painful periods in our lives, but in the end, rude is rude.
I'd suggest sending her an occasional email asking after her father - and leaving it at that. Cook for other friends/family who will no doubt unconditionally appreciate your efforts. Granny Smith would be appalled by her behavior. :-)
Voted the Best Reply!
She said WHAT? Sorry, but at that point I would stop being magnanimous. As my beloved Grandma Jacobs used to say, "With friends like that, you need an enema!"
Food, to so many is a bonding experience. Perhaps meals, while she appreciates the invite, are actually causing her inner turmoil because they aren't prepared the way she did them with her father. It's not at all that yours are bad-but they don't give her the same feeling because the same ingredients aren't used that she would...with her father present.
I think I would still invite her over actually. If she behaves this way again, I would privately pull her aside and explain how grateful I am she can join me-that I like her very much as a person-but that her comments are very hurtful and embarrassing. She may honestly not realize she's being so negative. (I'd also add the part about eating with her father!)
Either way, I'd not take it out on her. Hurtful as her comments are-I don't believe they're personal.
I do have choice and control over my reaction to her comments. Since I can guarantee she is going to say what she says about my food, I can say for example "You are so cute! I knew you would say that." Or stop inviting her for dinner and be straight with her why I won't invite her any more "It seems all I hear from you is criticism, and it stops me from enjoying my friends and the meal."
As for giving her a taste of her own medicine, I wouldn't waste my time. Frankly, people like these are negative because they thrive on it. Instead of getting into it with her, which may cause you to be upset or even guilty later, just don't give her the time of day.
My condolences go to you for this experience, but thanks for reaching out to another.
84 yr. old cousin to a tee! After reading her your posts, I decided I had enough!!! She only likes some things I cook and literally ruins my appetite when she doesn't. She still tries to justify and give excuses for her behavior. She also compulsively lies about her cooking skills. Cook it yourself I said. Put a fork in it...I am done! She's been feeding herself for 10th yrs she says. I bet it was awful ")