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28 Comments
Carlos C.
July 5, 2018
I definitely empathize with your frustration. I am convinced that once my partner and I go to Peru, he will see how delicious fish can be....although I have the feeling that he might have the same reaction to a bowl of ceviche aa your boyfriend had to your pasta.
Suzanne B.
June 1, 2018
I once made chicken piccata for dinner which my husband refused to eat. He grew up with meat, rice and beans and frou-frou dinners were not for him. The kids liked it though!
Winness
May 9, 2018
I married a man who stated that he ate to live, not lived to eat. As a first generation Italian American and only 19 years old (this was 1966), I could not comprehend his appreciation of his mother's version of tomato sauce (Campbell's tomato soup, doctored; I kid you not), Franco American spaghetti and meatballs out of the can, unheated, plus the myriad ways to he enjoyed cut-up hot dogs in casseroles. I was submissive initially until I threw up after one of his "favorite" meals. So I put my cooking skills to use, my way. I grew up in a Triestina-Neapolitan home, so my north-south Italian food sensitivities made for some interesting combinations. The first time I made breaded veal cutlets with a butter pan sauce and a squeeze of lemon, his jaw dropped. He never looked back. I still laugh about that experience.
A.S.
April 15, 2018
Angela M- It is ironic that your comment about the author's "aggressive" tactics is so, well, aggressive. Sometimes the things we say really do reflect who we are.
I enjoyed reading this because every relationship is different, and one method of behavior between some people will not work for others! But that is where interest lies, otherwise life would be droll.
I enjoyed reading this because every relationship is different, and one method of behavior between some people will not work for others! But that is where interest lies, otherwise life would be droll.
Angela M.
April 15, 2018
Well, that was partially intentional. She chose to ignore her partner's clearly stated boundary--why would someone assume that normal, civilized words would make an impact? I chose to react in words to the story the same way I would have felt had this been done to me (and likely how her partner felt in the moment). I do personally despise Italian sausage (and Lima beans for that matter), and if my partner intentionally made me dinner featuring Italian sausage after a long day when I'm famished, I would be... well, just as angry as I was when I read this story. Incidentally, he did do something similar with Lima beans, but unintentionally. So while I was angry and annoyed in the moment, that was a learning experience for the both of us. Similarly, I know not to make him fire noodles or egg drop soup with peas anymore. Unlike those stories, this was not an accidental mishap--this was deliberate. The problem I had with this article is the very antithesis of what your comment led to, "one method of behavior between some people will not work for others".
The author clearly stated, "We all try to shape the tastes of our lovers, conform them to a vision of a lifestyle we think we have—or want to have. We mold together and ease each other into new places. To introduce and expose is a partner’s duty; to carve and construct is, for many, a tacit desire. "
I vehemently disagree. I enjoy sharing my culture with my partner, nd learning about his, but we do so above board, without manipulation or trying to pull a fast one on him. I enjoy introducing him to new things, but I would never condescend to trying to "mold him" or "conform him". We grow together, and we grow independently. I respect the things we disagree on as much as I respect what we have in common. I do not try to mold him or conform him, as I love and respect who he is, not who I want to change him to be. A droll life would be one where your supposed loved ones all fell into line of what you deemed was worthy, without any autonomy whatsoever.
The author clearly stated, "We all try to shape the tastes of our lovers, conform them to a vision of a lifestyle we think we have—or want to have. We mold together and ease each other into new places. To introduce and expose is a partner’s duty; to carve and construct is, for many, a tacit desire. "
I vehemently disagree. I enjoy sharing my culture with my partner, nd learning about his, but we do so above board, without manipulation or trying to pull a fast one on him. I enjoy introducing him to new things, but I would never condescend to trying to "mold him" or "conform him". We grow together, and we grow independently. I respect the things we disagree on as much as I respect what we have in common. I do not try to mold him or conform him, as I love and respect who he is, not who I want to change him to be. A droll life would be one where your supposed loved ones all fell into line of what you deemed was worthy, without any autonomy whatsoever.
A.S.
April 17, 2018
I think you may be taking the "molding and shaping" thing a bit too far. I read it as molding a life, together, with each other and in that, molding each other to fit an entirety that belongs to both. But I didn't write the article, so hey, to each their own.
Maggie H.
April 15, 2018
Ha, I keep trying the same thing with my husband and onion. (Who doesn’t like onions.!?!)
beejay45
April 15, 2018
I spent a summer holiday with an Italian family. The mom couldn't believe that I would pick the onions out of my salad, something I always did at family dinners at home. She was determined to teach me to love onions! Her method was to butter two slices of bread an put the bits of onions between them in a sandwich. Cruelty to children? ;) But, I have to say, it worked. Taking the bite out of them that way made me realize that here was something that might actually be edible. Didn't make an onion fanatic out of me, but it got me off on a new path. My Dad's relatives did the same thing with bacon -- another thing I rejected categorically (I know, can you believe it?), minus the butter. That worked, too, damped down the saltiness, smokiness and grease factor. In this case, I eventually became as much of a bacon lover as the rest of the world seems to be.
Angela M.
April 13, 2018
Italian sausage is disgusting. For all the flowery prose, you chose to disrespect your partner by ignoring what you knew about him and tried to make it seem like a cute story because he ate the pasta part and shoved the inedible crap back towards you. You didn't respect him enough to tell him, "Hey, this pasta dish is important to me, and I'd like you to give it a chance". You sprung it on him without notice because your memories are more important than his autonomy. I've tried many things that my partner grew up eating that I was pretty sure I'd hate, for the sake of his memories (spoiler alert: they were always every bit as disgusting as I assumed. Watergate salad and processed turkey loaf? yuck). But I went into that willingly, and he respects my desire to not ever eat them again. He's had Italian sausage--he knew he hated it, and you chose to disregard that.
Relationship fail.
Relationship fail.
beejay45
April 15, 2018
In all fairness, it was the association to the sausage that he hated. Giving him a newer, better association maybe moved him along the way to giving up bad memories. Lighten up.
Angela M.
April 15, 2018
In all fairness, I was demonstrating the visceral reaction people who don't like such a polarizing ingredient have. You don't change a bad memory association by springing it on someone without their knowledge and prior approval. Now he has two bad associations----his childhood and a reminder his partner doesn't respect his feelings and opinions.
Also, No amount of contrived sentimentality makes it ok to sneak unwanted things into people's food, period. It's not ok to sneak alcohol to a teetotaler, it's not ok to sneak peanut butter to a child whose parents are allergic. You never know what the consequences will be when you sneak unwanted things in someone's food. This time may have only been an unsatisfying meal, but that's a dangerous game to play.
I think rather than "lightening up", I'll continue to be an honest person and respect the people in my life.
Also, No amount of contrived sentimentality makes it ok to sneak unwanted things into people's food, period. It's not ok to sneak alcohol to a teetotaler, it's not ok to sneak peanut butter to a child whose parents are allergic. You never know what the consequences will be when you sneak unwanted things in someone's food. This time may have only been an unsatisfying meal, but that's a dangerous game to play.
I think rather than "lightening up", I'll continue to be an honest person and respect the people in my life.
Angela M.
April 15, 2018
The absolute only important part of this piece is:
"it was the one food he wouldn’t budge on.
But I made it anyway."
"it was the one food he wouldn’t budge on.
But I made it anyway."
Valerio F.
April 15, 2018
Angela, you're totally on to something. Forcing people into situations without a forewarning or without their consent is never a cool thing to do. Lessons are for learning and that's definitely why this experience of mine warranted an essay. We all hope to be better siblings, children, friends, coworkers, partners. It's a complex and multifaceted recipe, but more often than not includes a good deal of empathy and a whole lot of communication. You're so right to point out that communication, in this scenario, was flawed—and that's why I wrote about it!
A.S.
April 15, 2018
Maybe you are not being honest with yourself that people are very, very different. More so, it seems your honesty let's you believe that you deserve the ability to disrespect and walk all over other people that are not directly in your life. The other "examples" you provided are really tangential to the narrative told here. Love is push and pull, but if a mean, straight line works for you, then it works for you.
Angela M.
April 15, 2018
Maybe you are not reading the words I wrote. People ARE very, very different. And to assume somoene will just "get over" something they've disliked all their lives just because you like it, is the embodiment of disrespect. I've clearly disrespected a food item that I find disgusting, but I've not "walked all over other people". I am merely defending my position, which is literally to respect each other and to "push and pull" openly and honestly, not sneaking items into peoples' food without their consent. I am known both professionally and personally as the person who people trust to introduce them to new foods (tofu, vegetables, things they can't pronounce). I do that by creating trust and respect in our relationships, and by being open and honest with what I am hoping they will try.
Those examples are NOT tangential; this is actually a very serious subject to respect others peoples' food choices. I would not insult Italian sausage to someone clearly enjoying their own meal, unless of course they try to force or guilt me into also eating it. There are masses of horror stories from people who "didn't take it seriously", or "thought they could surprise them", "figured they didn't mean it", "they are overreacting", etc. Perhaps I've read too many of these stories related to my line of work, which often result in death or hospitalization. But there is a hard line that should never be crossed, and that is, BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY TELL YOU ABOUT FOOD BOUNDARIES. Even if I don't believe that girl eating a donut is allergic to wheat and absolutely has to have gluten free chicken tenders, I will absolutely act as though I do. You just don't mess with peoples' food boundaries. Hard Stop.
Those examples are NOT tangential; this is actually a very serious subject to respect others peoples' food choices. I would not insult Italian sausage to someone clearly enjoying their own meal, unless of course they try to force or guilt me into also eating it. There are masses of horror stories from people who "didn't take it seriously", or "thought they could surprise them", "figured they didn't mean it", "they are overreacting", etc. Perhaps I've read too many of these stories related to my line of work, which often result in death or hospitalization. But there is a hard line that should never be crossed, and that is, BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY TELL YOU ABOUT FOOD BOUNDARIES. Even if I don't believe that girl eating a donut is allergic to wheat and absolutely has to have gluten free chicken tenders, I will absolutely act as though I do. You just don't mess with peoples' food boundaries. Hard Stop.
Kate K.
April 11, 2018
Thank you for the lovely essay (with the recipe written into it as narrative). Your story reminds me of the first several times I insisted on feeding fish to my love and how I used to have to sit on my hands to keep from interfering whenever he was in the kitchen (Both have resolved -- I eat fish on my own, and he's become an adventurous, sensible cook).
Kate K.
April 11, 2018
Thank you for the lovely essay (with the recipe written into it as narrative). Your story reminds me of the first several times I insisted on feeding fish to my love and how I used to have to sit on my hands to keep from interfering whenever he was in the kitchen (Both have resolved -- I eat fish on my own, and he's become an adventurous, sensible cook).
aargersi
April 11, 2018
Second the ask for the recipe. Also I need an invite to your dad’s dinner. Also sometimes eggs just need ketchup:-)
Valerio F.
April 12, 2018
I agree! To each their own.... I've adopted (or tried to adopt) a more laissez-faire approach to eating with others.
aargersi
April 11, 2018
Second the ask for the recipe. Also I need an invite to your dad’s dinner. Also sometimes eggs just need ketchup:-)
Annada R.
April 10, 2018
Bravo Valerio! You've captured the intimate emotions of the push and pull in a relationship beautifully.
Ann S.
April 10, 2018
Is there a recipe that you'd like to share of your uncle's pasta, because your description of it is making my mouth water (and I promise, my family will eat that sausage).
Valerio F.
April 12, 2018
To be honest, the recipe was a bit off the cuff (and a college student's watered down version of an Amatriciana—sausage is much, much more affordable than a good guanciale). Emiko's pasta recipe is the closest approximation! I've attached it here:
https://food52.com/recipes/62088-bucatini-all-amatriciana
https://food52.com/recipes/62088-bucatini-all-amatriciana
Ann S.
April 12, 2018
Thanks! Sometimes it's hard to find a good guanciale, even when money isn't an issue. Sausage speaks to me though...
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